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By DB, on September 2nd, 2010
Former House Speaker and likely 2012 Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich yesterday expressed his optimism that the United States, “… can not only overcome the serious challenges we currently face as a country, but under common-sense, conservative leadership we can even achieve a level of greatness comparable to countries like Mexico and Saudi Arabia.”
Speaking before an enthusiastic group of seniors at the Linesnot Quiteflat Rest Home outside Topeka, Kansas, Gingrich cited the, “wisdom of the average, everyday American that the Washington liberal establishment continues to ignore when dealing with issues like immigration reform and whether or not the First Amendment should apply to Muslim citizens.”
“Saudi Arabia doesn’t allow construction of Churches, so why should we allow Mosques to be built here?” he asked the mostly ambulatory crowd, many of whom came expecting free refreshments. “And how about immigration? The new Arizona law isn’t nearly as tough as Mexico – and why shouldn’t we be?”
He then went on to criticize the Obama administration and Congressional Democrats, adding, “As long as any of them are left in positions of power, we can’t even hope to become like North Korea or Iran, especially when it comes to immigration or dealing with citizens who don’t know what’s best for the country. But with a solid Republican majority, there’s no reason we can’t elevate ourselves, both here at home and in the eyes of the world, to a level that will rival countries like Saudi Arabia and our increasingly entrepreneurial-influenced neighbor to the South.”
Gingrich, who called on all Americans to vote for political candidates, “committed to supporting the appropriate Amendments and clauses of the Constitution,” was received warmly by the crowd, who were unanimous in their praise of him, “and other nice young people who take the time to visit”.
International reaction to Gingrich’s comments was mixed.
Mexican President Felipe Calderon told reporters, “Listening to much of the rhetoric currently emanating from Mr. Gingrich and other Americans of like mind and values underscores, I believe, the need for the United States to take much stronger measures to stem the demand for illegal drugs.”
Adel A. Al-Jubeir, Saudi Ambassador to the United States, commented, “While we of course appreciate the overwhelming display of respect for our Kingdom demonstrated by the former Speaker, we remain troubled regarding his personal history and the uncivilized manner in which he has been known to treat his women. Men’s taking of wives is an integral part of any society, and treatment of them is often an indication of how a man will also handle his professional responsibilities and his other property.”
By DB, on August 25th, 2010
Less than 24 hours after Ben Quayle raked in a staggering 22.7% of the vote en route to a resounding victory in Arizona’s Third District Republican Congressional primary, former United States Vice Presidents are pouring into Arizona at a rate many thought impossible since the state’s tough new immigration law went into effect — making many local residents so uneasy that some are calling for an amendment to deal specifically with how the law applies to washed-up politicians.
By DB, on August 21st, 2010
“I fail to see how this should come as a surprise to anybody,” said Meegan Toomey, Professor of Modern Media at Pueblo State University, “After all, how else could one explain the fact that Limbaugh’s audience is 3 1/2 times as large as any radio host who makes sense.”
By DB, on August 11th, 2010
“If all it costs Al Qaeda to get 100 or more Americans protesting against Islam in any form to be shown on every major news network including Al Jazeera is the price of buying some ignorant redneck a six pack of beer, a dozen pieces of poster board, and three or four ‘Sharpies’, then from a recruiting standpoint they’re getting one hell of a bang for the buck– if you’ll pardon the expression.”
By DB, on August 9th, 2010
Republicans opposing the plan point to the fact that the vast majority of animals found in shelters have no papers verifying their origin or whether or not they are in the United States legitimately.
By DB, on August 3rd, 2010
The video purportedly shows a gravely ill Cosby surrounded by friends and family suddenly sitting up in bed, raising both arms, looking up at the sky with widened eyes, and uttering the words, “What’s a cubit?” before collapsing lifelessly back into bed.
By DB, on July 30th, 2010
News Corp. chairman Roger Ailes announced this afternoon that Fox News Channel has severed its relationship with controversial on-air personality Glenn Beck after disparaging remarks Beck made about long time Fox Television icon Homer Simpson.
By DB, on May 16th, 2010
The Euro, which has been in free-fall in recent weeks on global currency markets, will soon find itself in a very different type of free-fall if British Petroleum receives clearance from the U.S. Coast Guard to pursue what industry experts charitably label it’s ‘Plan D’ to both stop the flow of oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the remains of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig as well as absorb and remove the millions [...]
By DB, on March 5th, 2010
… rescue workers swarmed the Capitol Building searching for victims after it was reported that as many as 530 members of the House and Senate attempted mass suicide following the release of the latest nationwide poll results. So far, no deaths have been reported, but many who cover Capitol Hill on a regular basis remain optimistic.
By DB, on March 1st, 2010
Bunning, who has often been at odds with members of his own party for what is perceived as his standing on their shallow principles to the point of utter disregard for poll numbers and election cycles…
By DB, on December 13th, 2008
“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”
By DB, on July 27th, 2009
Eyeworks, the European producer of “The Biggest Loser”, is forking over a whelming $250,000 to the second biggest loser for the rights to film her gaggle for 72 days over the next 3 years. Industry insiders estimate that a U.S. basic cable network could bid as high as $5000 and a new Wii console for domestic rights to the quasi-reality extravaganza.
By DB, on July 30th, 2009
Describes Obama, Limbaugh, Larry Craig as “Unreachable Stars”
Wednesday evening, in a scene eerily reminiscent of just one day earlier when he exclaimed that the President of the United States harbored “deep-seeded hatred of White people,” [such as his mother and the grandparents who raised him] and then, less than two minutes later, said, “I’m not saying he doesn’t like White people,” Fox News media whore Glenn Beck, after being pried with 2 Bartles & Jaymes [...]
By DB, on August 4th, 2009
“… In the case of the ‘Birther Movement’, however, we don’t see the intellectual exercise necessary to get as far as ‘Step A’, let alone bypass ‘B’ to get to ‘C’. In short, if I were somebody described as a ‘conspiracy theorist’, I’d be pretty pissed-off by the comparison.”
By DB, on August 5th, 2009
Say it ain’t so Joe.
With all the humility of a peacock in full feather, a saddened Paula Abdul announced her departure from ‘American Idol’ last night, telling her millions of fans and other shut-ins via Twitter, “I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon.”
A stunned nation is grappling with its emotions — and Lebanese officials, who [...]
By DB, on August 11th, 2009
Every report on the passing of Eunice Kennedy Shriver describes her as the “sister of John F. Kennedy”, rather than mentioning her surviving, if not prominent enough for Papa Joe, brother.
By DB, on August 13th, 2009
While the ‘national conversation’ has been much more contentious than it has productive, I hope we can all agree and take solace in the fact that it has effectively brought out into the open the need for another potentially expensive but badly needed initiative – mental healthcare reform.
By DB, on August 17th, 2009
DB Editorial
Appearing on the August 16 edition of Meet the Press, former House Majority Leader and inaugural inductee into the Tea Baggers’ Hall of Fame Dick Armey presented perhaps the strongest argument to date in support of the principle of a government run health care option.
Armey, best known to many Americans as the author of the mid-1990s GOP “Contract on America” was speaking about his role in a lawsuit seeking the right of individuals to [...]
By DB, on August 21st, 2009
In spite of, or more likely because of, the consolidation of news sources, the media explosion of the last 20 years has created a generation of ‘gonadally-challenged’ politicians who also apparently fall into the ‘intimidated by numbers’ segment of the overall population…
By DB, on August 22nd, 2009
Under a deal worked out by the State Department, Libya has agreed to accept terminally ill patients covered under the proposed public health care option as well as terminally ill inmates currently being treated within state and federal prison systems.
By DB, on September 11th, 2009
I’ll never forget when I thanked some of them for their hospitality. Their response was always the same and was as sincere and wonderful as it was horrific: “No — thank you. It’s nice to know somebody cares.”
By DB, on September 17th, 2009
“The insurers truly want a competitive marketplace,” according to site publisher Lloyd Woltz, “They’re looking neither for an easy way to avoid restrictive regulations nor a means of making it nearly impossible for the average consumer to challenge their denial of claims, it’s just that the alternative is too expensive. To incorporate in the as many as 49 states plus the District of Columbia in which they currently are not incorporated could cost many close to $8500. That’s more of a burden than they should be asked to bear, and once the public is made aware, I’m confident they’ll want to help.”
By DB, on September 23rd, 2009
Less than 24 Hours after its ban on fruit and candy flavored cigarettes went into effect, the national Food and Drug Administration today held its first public hearing regarding a proposed ban on candy and fruit flavored underwear.
By DB, on September 28th, 2009
According to legal experts, pedophiles, and legal experts who are pedophiles, acclaimed film director Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Zurich, Switzerland late Saturday under a 31 year old U.S. warrant related to a case where he admitted to having sex with a 13 year old girl, would most likely prevail in court and would almost certainly prevail economically should he either waive extradition or lose a battle in Swiss courts to avoid it.
“From a [...]
By DB, on October 1st, 2009
When Alan told people that your children’s plan for health care was “die quickly”, he was, for all intents and purposes, saying the same thing that the Grassley boy said about him and his friends. Let’s face it, “pulling the plug on Grandma” is, in every sense, making Grandma die more quickly. So you see, our kids are 99% in agreement on this. The only difference is that Alan and his friends want every Grandma to have access to a plug in the first place.
By DB, on October 2nd, 2009
While it is unfortunately not unusual for David Letterman to be the target of an extortion plot (in 2005, a plot to kidnap and ransom his then-infant son was thwarted) it came as a shock to most observers that the alleged extortionist in this case is a producer for the CBS News crime show “48 Hours” — in other words an employee of the same network as Letterman.
This of course begs the question: Why would Robert “Joe” Halderman attempt to blackmail Letterman?
By DB, on October 6th, 2009
The Conservative Bible Project is looking for volunteers to help in their effort to edit the words of God and teachings of Jesus in order to eliminate the liberal bias that has contaminated their modern translations.
By DB, on October 8th, 2009
Sounding out words from a prepared statement, the admitted Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh disciple told reporters that she is deeply concerned about possible repercussions from “… an unprovoked assault by the United States upon our lunar neighbor.”
By DB, on October 9th, 2009
In a rare appearance during Friday prayers, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, announced that Iran’s Supreme Council has officially declared Mahmoud Ahamadinejad the 2009 Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
By DB, on October 13th, 2009
Just one day after a bombshell eleventh-hour report about the cost of the Senate Finance Committee’s proposed health care plan was dropped onto Capitol Hill by the insurance industry, Committee members received more bad news today: insurance claims for injuries they sustained during the course of the debate will not be paid.
By DB, on October 14th, 2009
I was shocked when I saw how terribly so many people who you thought were friends are treating you because you decided to do a science project with that Kerry boy. Shame on them! I understand the Kerry boy doesn’t exactly ooze charisma, but he seems to have a lot more to offer on the ‘thinking side’ than those name-callers you usually hang out with…
By DB, on October 17th, 2009
During a whirlwind afternoon that appeared to some observers as a sort of “bad reality television marathon,” the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado saw the arrest of their three sons, ages 6, 8 and 9, for their alleged involvement in a sophisticated plot to bomb targets in New York City, as well as the surprise annulment of the marriage of parents Richard and Mayumi.
By DB, on October 23rd, 2009
In the latest, and perhaps biggest surprise of the end-of-year awards season, the committee representing Afghanistan’s most prestigious tribal leaders and warlords has named Barack Obama the next President of the war torn nation. The award marks the first time a leader of a nation with whom most of the country’s citizens consider themselves at war has been so honored.
By DB, on October 29th, 2009
Aides to former President George W. Bush described the former Commander-in-Chief as “totally stoked” after his appearance at the Fort Worth “Get Motivated” seminar this past Monday. Mr. Bush, who daringly departed from standard motivational topics by urging those who stayed awake long enough to “stand by [their] beliefs” was reportedly “overwhelmed by initial reports of the audience response” to his message.
By DB, on November 19th, 2009
As the Senate moves closer to debate on their version of health care — or more accurately, health insurance — reform, those in opposition are beating the drum ever louder for what they claim is a simple solution that will guarantee increased competition and result in lower premiums:
By DB, on November 25th, 2009
Former Vice President Dick Cheney warned children at a petting zoo that, “The President acting as an apologist for one of our most sacred national holidays sends a message of weakness that will only embolden our enemies and threatens the safety and security of every American.”
By DB, on December 16th, 2009
With that, Mr. Blankfein unveiled Goldman’s latest print ad, showing a photo of two scantily-clad, if not overly attractive women on either side of Tiger Woods, who in the photo is grinning broadly while displaying his putter. Appearing below the photo is Goldman Sachs’ new slogan, “Yeah, but it’s legal.”
By DB, on December 22nd, 2009
“… The only thing I could compare it to would be if the ‘other OPEC’ established a mechanism by which consumers could choose, for example, whether the oil they consume came from Saudi Arabia or Kuwait or the UAE or any other cartel member of their choice…”
By DB, on December 25th, 2009
“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”
By DB, on December 31st, 2009
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele announced this morning that the GOP, its members and affiliates, will suspend offering new opinions and talking points for what he described as “the duration of the current crisis”. Instead, he said, “Republicans will offer encore presentations of many of their most popular opinions and talking points from the past year.”
“At this time, all of our thoughts and prayers are with Rush [Limbaugh] who we are grateful to hear [...]
By DB, on January 13th, 2010
Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences” – Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that they will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that they encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”.
By DB, on January 16th, 2010
Representatives of NBC Universal and the Obama Administration stunned both the entertainment and financial worlds at a ‘Top of the Rock’ press conference this morning with the announcement that the parties had finalized a blockbuster trade that they claim “will forever shift the balance and perception of power as it pertains to the economy and late night television”.
By DB, on January 20th, 2010
Massachusetts Senator-elect Scott Brown, who just defeated State Attorney General Martha Coakley in a special election to fill the United States Senate seat held by the late Edward M. ‘Ted’ Kennedy for nearly five decades, is for the second time in his life, coming to a centerfold near you.
By DB, on January 21st, 2010
Sanford, delivering his final ‘State of the State Address’ again apologized for his affair with an obviously gullible Argentine woman to an otherwise fed-up group of South Carolina legislators, many of whom appeared in the chamber wielding torches, pitchforks, and lead pipes… Meanwhile, John Edwards provided the surprise of the day by actually admitting that he is, in fact, the father of Frances Quinn Hunter, the out-of-wedlock daughter born to his former campaign aide Rielle Hunter, who, for about a year, has been generally considered by even the most casual of observers to be his child.
By DB, on January 26th, 2010
The Christian Broadcasting Network today announced that it will honor South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and 2010 gubernatorial candidate Andre Bauer as the network’s ‘Christian of the Year’ at a gala event to be held in two weeks on the grounds of network founder Pat Robertson’s estate and broadcast on Sunday, February 21, as a special edition of ‘The 700 Club’ which will air immediately following the live season finale of their top-rated ‘Jesus Got Talent’.
By DB, on January 27th, 2010
“The only explanation for such behavior is that the defendant is either maliciously defaming the decade of the 1970s, as the suit alleges, or he’s some crackpot living in a bygone era with delusions that he’s both Woodward and Bernstein at the same time.”
By DB, on January 29th, 2010
Law enforcement officials are tightening security in and around the nation’s prisons, high schools and colleges, and have issued special advisory warnings to celebrities and politicians as millions of loners, many of whom they fear may be prone to violence, join the literary community and the rest of the nation in mourning the passing of J.D. Salinger, the reclusive author of “Catcher in the Rye”, who passed away yesterday at the age of 91.
By DB, on February 5th, 2010
When asked about the prospect of the Department of Homeland Security reversing its decision and removing Senator Shelby from ‘no-fly’ and terrorist watch lists, Newton Toomey, a Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Let him commute between Washington and Alabama in a Winnebago like every other guy his age.”
By DB, on February 11th, 2010
According to sources close to the negotiations, former Alaska Governor and unlikely best-selling author Sarah Palin is close to reaching a deal that would make her the nation’s first-ever salaried Presidential candidate.
Stuart Grantcart, a socialist Obama administration mole planted inside FreedomWorks who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Palin’s representatives have had several meetings with FreedomWorks board members
By DB, on February 14th, 2010
On Monday February 15 in Madrid, Judge Baltasar Garzon will convene an investigation of War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity allegedly committed by U.S. government officials and others during the Bush administration.
The first witness called to testify will reportedly be American international human rights lawyer Dr. William F. Pepper.
By DB, on February 15th, 2010
In a controversial but predictable 5-4 ruling, the United States Supreme Court upheld a lower court ruling that as recognized legal entities, corporations may cast ballots in local, state, and federal elections.
By DB, on February 16th, 2010
Gambling that a mountain of circumstantial evidence correctly leads to the conclusion that Sarah Palin’s name has never appeared in a headline that she didn’t like, and that the former Alaska Governor will publicly respond to any controversial or politically incorrect comment which allows her to portray either herself or her family as the victim(s), a chronically underemployed liberal New York blogger today stated publicly his opinion that “the woman is a retard”.
By DB, on February 18th, 2010
Meegan Toomey, a producer with ‘Fox and Friends’ who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the network has developed a new strategy of attacking liberals who are not candidates for office…
By DB, on February 23rd, 2010
According to a report to be published in next week’s edition of the New England Journal of Medicine, tax cuts, long touted by conservatives as a cure for every problem the country faces, may indeed provide a useful stimulus for more than just the economy.
By DB, on February 26th, 2010
There seems to be a growing misconception within your ranks as to your job descriptions… many of you have either lost sight of (or just misunderstand) exactly what “representing us” means. Too many of you seem to believe that you are there to be “representative of us”.
By DB, on February 27th, 2010
Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who ridded their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.”
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