Buy Now -- on
Almost Anything!
|
By DB, on January 24th, 2012
According to papers filed late Monday with the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Federal Election Commission, Bain Capital, the Wall Street investment firm once headed by former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential runner-up leader Mitt Romney, has reached an agreement to purchase all outstanding shares of the embattled pro-Romney Super-PAC Restore Our Future, Inc.
When reached for comment, Bain spokesman Weir Dippschitz said no immediate changes among the top ROF executives are planned, however, “a major rebranding and other ‘fine tuning’ are already in the works.”
The first, and most noticeable change as far as the casual observer is concerned, will be a change to the Super-PAC’s name. As of February 1 — one day after the pivotal Florida primary — ‘Restore Our Future’ will be known as ‘Restore Our Past’.
“The deal was actually contingent upon that being the first change,” Dippschitz told reporters. “To be brutally honest, not only is ‘Restore Our Future’ a really stupid name — I mean, how can you restore something that doesn’t exist yet? — But also, at the rate they were going, they really had very little hope of having a future. The past, on the other hand, is something that can be restored, and we at Bain Capital share the original founders’ belief that if elected President, Mitt Romney is just the man to restore not only the country’s past, but to lead us back to a pre-Teddy Roosevelt past — a period in our history when the absence of oppressive taxes and government regulation led to unprecedented growth in the private sector and a job market and labor environment rivaling that of China today.”
Also, as is typical in takeovers of this sort, substantial layoffs are expected. Dippschitz has called a press conference for Wednesday morning where it is expected Bain will announce the elimination of the Restore Our Past unit that produces television and print ads and will instead outsource those duties to the 1-Apple News Service of Taiwan seeking better quality at a lower cost. 1-Apple News Service is best known to Americans as the producers of the famous Tiger Woods animated video that documented the events leading up to his November 2009 automobile accident.
But perhaps the biggest change planned — one which Dippschitz claims could revolutionize the Super-PAC industry — will be a new system under which Restore Our Past, instead of soliciting contributions per se, will issue common stock to what are described as ‘investors in the cause’.
“While current management has been very proficient at taking advantage of election laws, they have been severely lacking when it comes to taking advantage of tax law,” according to Dippschitz. “Currently, ‘contributions’ to political campaigns and organizations are not tax-deductible. However, for example, a $10 million ‘investment’ in a corporation that figures to bankrupt itself sometime around the November elections could net the investor as much as a $3.5 million reduction in tax liability since short-term capital gains are taxed as normal income, and of course, short-term losses can be used to offset short-term gains.”
It is believed that Bain will also leverage what is believed will be substantial interest in a public stock offering in order to secure hundreds of millions of dollars in loans for Restore Our Past.
Dippschitz commented, “To put it in layman’s terms, it is precisely because a turkey can’t fly that its bones can be picked clean of succulent meat and its insides scraped for every tasty morsel of stuffing — and we at Bain believe our investors will realize as we do that Restore Our Future may be the biggest, tastiest turkey ever to appear on the American political landscape.”
By DB, on December 22nd, 2011
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Capitol police have called for a hostage negotiator to respond to an ongoing situation in the Capitol building in which House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor have barricaded themselves in a conference room, demanding that they be joined there by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell along with President Obama…
By DB, on December 19th, 2011
The former House Speaker, acknowledging that bullying and browbeating so-called ‘activist judges’, “can only accomplish so much,” called for jurors — whose pay is taxpayer financed — “to be held to the highest possible standard or face severe consequences.”
By DB, on November 28th, 2011
Talking Point #5: Small Government. If confronted on the issue while blaming ‘failed big government policies’ for the current high levels of unemployment, always refer to the nearly 1 million private sector jobs cut since the recession began as ‘statistically insignificant’.
By DB, on October 20th, 2011
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has declared next Monday, October 24, an official day of mourning in honor of former Libyan leader Moammar Qadafi, a man he praised as, “… an inspirational leader, and a role model for the head of any state.”
By DB, on October 18th, 2011
The study involved 917 patients in 37 states who suffer from ODS (Obama Dementia Syndrome), an affliction whose victims — most of whom otherwise show no signs of dementia or irrational behavior — suddenly suffer memory loss and display fits of anger and irrationality upon the mere mention of U.S. President Barack Obama.
By DB, on October 10th, 2011
As if their depiction by GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain wasn’t already hard enough to swallow, scores of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors were rushed to area hospitals today after falling ill from what sources believe was a tainted delivery — ironically, it is presumed, — from Godfather’s Pizza, Cain’s former company.
By DB, on October 6th, 2011
Citing his official renunciation of terrorism beyond his own country’s borders as well as his leadership during his year-long tenure as Chairman of the African Union, the Nobel Committee described Col. Qadafi as “a pivotal figure in the creation of the social and political climate which the entire North African region now enjoys.”
By DB, on October 3rd, 2011
The move, aimed at increasing deposits based on currencies that experts believe will still exist 2-3 years from now is seen as a major blow to Bank of America and other U.S. banks who recently announced plans to make up for the shortfall created by the recent outlawing of excessive fees they charge merchants for processing debit card transactions.
By DB, on December 13th, 2008
“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”
By DB, on July 27th, 2009
Eyeworks, the European producer of “The Biggest Loser”, is forking over a whelming $250,000 to the second biggest loser for the rights to film her gaggle for 72 days over the next 3 years. Industry insiders estimate that a U.S. basic cable network could bid as high as $5000 and a new Wii console for domestic rights to the quasi-reality extravaganza.
By DB, on July 30th, 2009
Describes Obama, Limbaugh, Larry Craig as “Unreachable Stars”
Wednesday evening, in a scene eerily reminiscent of just one day earlier when he exclaimed that the President of the United States harbored “deep-seeded hatred of White people,” [such as his mother and the grandparents who raised him] and then, less than two minutes later, said, “I’m not saying he doesn’t like White people,” Fox News media whore Glenn Beck, after being pried with 2 Bartles & Jaymes [...]
By DB, on August 4th, 2009
“… In the case of the ‘Birther Movement’, however, we don’t see the intellectual exercise necessary to get as far as ‘Step A’, let alone bypass ‘B’ to get to ‘C’. In short, if I were somebody described as a ‘conspiracy theorist’, I’d be pretty pissed-off by the comparison.”
By DB, on August 5th, 2009
Say it ain’t so Joe.
With all the humility of a peacock in full feather, a saddened Paula Abdul announced her departure from ‘American Idol’ last night, telling her millions of fans and other shut-ins via Twitter, “I’ll miss nurturing all the new talent, but most of all being a part of a show that I helped from day 1 become an international phenomenon.”
A stunned nation is grappling with its emotions — and Lebanese officials, who [...]
By DB, on August 11th, 2009
Every report on the passing of Eunice Kennedy Shriver describes her as the “sister of John F. Kennedy”, rather than mentioning her surviving, if not prominent enough for Papa Joe, brother.
By DB, on August 13th, 2009
While the ‘national conversation’ has been much more contentious than it has productive, I hope we can all agree and take solace in the fact that it has effectively brought out into the open the need for another potentially expensive but badly needed initiative – mental healthcare reform.
By DB, on August 17th, 2009
DB Editorial
Appearing on the August 16 edition of Meet the Press, former House Majority Leader and inaugural inductee into the Tea Baggers’ Hall of Fame Dick Armey presented perhaps the strongest argument to date in support of the principle of a government run health care option.
Armey, best known to many Americans as the author of the mid-1990s GOP “Contract on America” was speaking about his role in a lawsuit seeking the right of individuals to [...]
By DB, on August 21st, 2009
In spite of, or more likely because of, the consolidation of news sources, the media explosion of the last 20 years has created a generation of ‘gonadally-challenged’ politicians who also apparently fall into the ‘intimidated by numbers’ segment of the overall population…
By DB, on August 22nd, 2009
Under a deal worked out by the State Department, Libya has agreed to accept terminally ill patients covered under the proposed public health care option as well as terminally ill inmates currently being treated within state and federal prison systems.
By DB, on September 11th, 2009
I’ll never forget when I thanked some of them for their hospitality. Their response was always the same and was as sincere and wonderful as it was horrific: “No — thank you. It’s nice to know somebody cares.”
By DB, on September 17th, 2009
“The insurers truly want a competitive marketplace,” according to site publisher Lloyd Woltz, “They’re looking neither for an easy way to avoid restrictive regulations nor a means of making it nearly impossible for the average consumer to challenge their denial of claims, it’s just that the alternative is too expensive. To incorporate in the as many as 49 states plus the District of Columbia in which they currently are not incorporated could cost many close to $8500. That’s more of a burden than they should be asked to bear, and once the public is made aware, I’m confident they’ll want to help.”
By DB, on September 23rd, 2009
Less than 24 Hours after its ban on fruit and candy flavored cigarettes went into effect, the national Food and Drug Administration today held its first public hearing regarding a proposed ban on candy and fruit flavored underwear.
By DB, on September 28th, 2009
According to legal experts, pedophiles, and legal experts who are pedophiles, acclaimed film director Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Zurich, Switzerland late Saturday under a 31 year old U.S. warrant related to a case where he admitted to having sex with a 13 year old girl, would most likely prevail in court and would almost certainly prevail economically should he either waive extradition or lose a battle in Swiss courts to avoid it.
“From a [...]
By DB, on October 1st, 2009
When Alan told people that your children’s plan for health care was “die quickly”, he was, for all intents and purposes, saying the same thing that the Grassley boy said about him and his friends. Let’s face it, “pulling the plug on Grandma” is, in every sense, making Grandma die more quickly. So you see, our kids are 99% in agreement on this. The only difference is that Alan and his friends want every Grandma to have access to a plug in the first place.
By DB, on October 2nd, 2009
While it is unfortunately not unusual for David Letterman to be the target of an extortion plot (in 2005, a plot to kidnap and ransom his then-infant son was thwarted) it came as a shock to most observers that the alleged extortionist in this case is a producer for the CBS News crime show “48 Hours” — in other words an employee of the same network as Letterman.
This of course begs the question: Why would Robert “Joe” Halderman attempt to blackmail Letterman?
By DB, on October 6th, 2009
The Conservative Bible Project is looking for volunteers to help in their effort to edit the words of God and teachings of Jesus in order to eliminate the liberal bias that has contaminated their modern translations.
By DB, on October 8th, 2009
Sounding out words from a prepared statement, the admitted Glenn Beck/Rush Limbaugh disciple told reporters that she is deeply concerned about possible repercussions from “… an unprovoked assault by the United States upon our lunar neighbor.”
By DB, on October 9th, 2009
In a rare appearance during Friday prayers, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei, announced that Iran’s Supreme Council has officially declared Mahmoud Ahamadinejad the 2009 Winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.
By DB, on October 13th, 2009
Just one day after a bombshell eleventh-hour report about the cost of the Senate Finance Committee’s proposed health care plan was dropped onto Capitol Hill by the insurance industry, Committee members received more bad news today: insurance claims for injuries they sustained during the course of the debate will not be paid.
By DB, on October 14th, 2009
I was shocked when I saw how terribly so many people who you thought were friends are treating you because you decided to do a science project with that Kerry boy. Shame on them! I understand the Kerry boy doesn’t exactly ooze charisma, but he seems to have a lot more to offer on the ‘thinking side’ than those name-callers you usually hang out with…
By DB, on October 17th, 2009
During a whirlwind afternoon that appeared to some observers as a sort of “bad reality television marathon,” the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado saw the arrest of their three sons, ages 6, 8 and 9, for their alleged involvement in a sophisticated plot to bomb targets in New York City, as well as the surprise annulment of the marriage of parents Richard and Mayumi.
By DB, on October 23rd, 2009
In the latest, and perhaps biggest surprise of the end-of-year awards season, the committee representing Afghanistan’s most prestigious tribal leaders and warlords has named Barack Obama the next President of the war torn nation. The award marks the first time a leader of a nation with whom most of the country’s citizens consider themselves at war has been so honored.
By DB, on October 29th, 2009
Aides to former President George W. Bush described the former Commander-in-Chief as “totally stoked” after his appearance at the Fort Worth “Get Motivated” seminar this past Monday. Mr. Bush, who daringly departed from standard motivational topics by urging those who stayed awake long enough to “stand by [their] beliefs” was reportedly “overwhelmed by initial reports of the audience response” to his message.
By DB, on November 19th, 2009
As the Senate moves closer to debate on their version of health care — or more accurately, health insurance — reform, those in opposition are beating the drum ever louder for what they claim is a simple solution that will guarantee increased competition and result in lower premiums:
By DB, on November 25th, 2009
Former Vice President Dick Cheney warned children at a petting zoo that, “The President acting as an apologist for one of our most sacred national holidays sends a message of weakness that will only embolden our enemies and threatens the safety and security of every American.”
By DB, on December 16th, 2009
With that, Mr. Blankfein unveiled Goldman’s latest print ad, showing a photo of two scantily-clad, if not overly attractive women on either side of Tiger Woods, who in the photo is grinning broadly while displaying his putter. Appearing below the photo is Goldman Sachs’ new slogan, “Yeah, but it’s legal.”
By DB, on December 22nd, 2009
“… The only thing I could compare it to would be if the ‘other OPEC’ established a mechanism by which consumers could choose, for example, whether the oil they consume came from Saudi Arabia or Kuwait or the UAE or any other cartel member of their choice…”
By DB, on December 25th, 2009
“Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.”
By DB, on December 31st, 2009
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele announced this morning that the GOP, its members and affiliates, will suspend offering new opinions and talking points for what he described as “the duration of the current crisis”. Instead, he said, “Republicans will offer encore presentations of many of their most popular opinions and talking points from the past year.”
“At this time, all of our thoughts and prayers are with Rush [Limbaugh] who we are grateful to hear [...]
By DB, on January 13th, 2010
Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences” – Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that they will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that they encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”.
By DB, on January 16th, 2010
Representatives of NBC Universal and the Obama Administration stunned both the entertainment and financial worlds at a ‘Top of the Rock’ press conference this morning with the announcement that the parties had finalized a blockbuster trade that they claim “will forever shift the balance and perception of power as it pertains to the economy and late night television”.
By DB, on January 20th, 2010
Massachusetts Senator-elect Scott Brown, who just defeated State Attorney General Martha Coakley in a special election to fill the United States Senate seat held by the late Edward M. ‘Ted’ Kennedy for nearly five decades, is for the second time in his life, coming to a centerfold near you.
By DB, on January 21st, 2010
Sanford, delivering his final ‘State of the State Address’ again apologized for his affair with an obviously gullible Argentine woman to an otherwise fed-up group of South Carolina legislators, many of whom appeared in the chamber wielding torches, pitchforks, and lead pipes… Meanwhile, John Edwards provided the surprise of the day by actually admitting that he is, in fact, the father of Frances Quinn Hunter, the out-of-wedlock daughter born to his former campaign aide Rielle Hunter, who, for about a year, has been generally considered by even the most casual of observers to be his child.
By DB, on January 26th, 2010
The Christian Broadcasting Network today announced that it will honor South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and 2010 gubernatorial candidate Andre Bauer as the network’s ‘Christian of the Year’ at a gala event to be held in two weeks on the grounds of network founder Pat Robertson’s estate and broadcast on Sunday, February 21, as a special edition of ‘The 700 Club’ which will air immediately following the live season finale of their top-rated ‘Jesus Got Talent’.
By DB, on January 27th, 2010
“The only explanation for such behavior is that the defendant is either maliciously defaming the decade of the 1970s, as the suit alleges, or he’s some crackpot living in a bygone era with delusions that he’s both Woodward and Bernstein at the same time.”
By DB, on January 29th, 2010
Law enforcement officials are tightening security in and around the nation’s prisons, high schools and colleges, and have issued special advisory warnings to celebrities and politicians as millions of loners, many of whom they fear may be prone to violence, join the literary community and the rest of the nation in mourning the passing of J.D. Salinger, the reclusive author of “Catcher in the Rye”, who passed away yesterday at the age of 91.
By DB, on February 5th, 2010
When asked about the prospect of the Department of Homeland Security reversing its decision and removing Senator Shelby from ‘no-fly’ and terrorist watch lists, Newton Toomey, a Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Let him commute between Washington and Alabama in a Winnebago like every other guy his age.”
By DB, on February 11th, 2010
According to sources close to the negotiations, former Alaska Governor and unlikely best-selling author Sarah Palin is close to reaching a deal that would make her the nation’s first-ever salaried Presidential candidate.
Stuart Grantcart, a socialist Obama administration mole planted inside FreedomWorks who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that Palin’s representatives have had several meetings with FreedomWorks board members
By DB, on February 14th, 2010
On Monday February 15 in Madrid, Judge Baltasar Garzon will convene an investigation of War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity allegedly committed by U.S. government officials and others during the Bush administration.
The first witness called to testify will reportedly be American international human rights lawyer Dr. William F. Pepper.
By DB, on February 15th, 2010
In a controversial but predictable 5-4 ruling, the United States Supreme Court upheld a lower court ruling that as recognized legal entities, corporations may cast ballots in local, state, and federal elections.
By DB, on February 16th, 2010
Gambling that a mountain of circumstantial evidence correctly leads to the conclusion that Sarah Palin’s name has never appeared in a headline that she didn’t like, and that the former Alaska Governor will publicly respond to any controversial or politically incorrect comment which allows her to portray either herself or her family as the victim(s), a chronically underemployed liberal New York blogger today stated publicly his opinion that “the woman is a retard”.
By DB, on February 18th, 2010
Meegan Toomey, a producer with ‘Fox and Friends’ who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the network has developed a new strategy of attacking liberals who are not candidates for office…
By DB, on February 23rd, 2010
According to a report to be published in next week’s edition of the New England Journal of Medicine, tax cuts, long touted by conservatives as a cure for every problem the country faces, may indeed provide a useful stimulus for more than just the economy.
By DB, on February 26th, 2010
There seems to be a growing misconception within your ranks as to your job descriptions… many of you have either lost sight of (or just misunderstand) exactly what “representing us” means. Too many of you seem to believe that you are there to be “representative of us”.
By DB, on February 27th, 2010
Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who ridded their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.”
By DB, on March 1st, 2010
Bunning, who has often been at odds with members of his own party for what is perceived as his standing on their shallow principles to the point of utter disregard for poll numbers and election cycles…
By DB, on March 5th, 2010
… rescue workers swarmed the Capitol Building searching for victims after it was reported that as many as 530 members of the House and Senate attempted mass suicide following the release of the latest nationwide poll results. So far, no deaths have been reported, but many who cover Capitol Hill on a regular basis remain optimistic.
By DB, on May 16th, 2010
The Euro, which has been in free-fall in recent weeks on global currency markets, will soon find itself in a very different type of free-fall if British Petroleum receives clearance from the U.S. Coast Guard to pursue what industry experts charitably label it’s ‘Plan D’ to both stop the flow of oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the remains of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig as well as absorb and remove the millions [...]
By DB, on July 30th, 2010
News Corp. chairman Roger Ailes announced this afternoon that Fox News Channel has severed its relationship with controversial on-air personality Glenn Beck after disparaging remarks Beck made about long time Fox Television icon Homer Simpson.
By DB, on August 3rd, 2010
The video purportedly shows a gravely ill Cosby surrounded by friends and family suddenly sitting up in bed, raising both arms, looking up at the sky with widened eyes, and uttering the words, “What’s a cubit?” before collapsing lifelessly back into bed.
By DB, on August 9th, 2010
Republicans opposing the plan point to the fact that the vast majority of animals found in shelters have no papers verifying their origin or whether or not they are in the United States legitimately.
By DB, on August 11th, 2010
“If all it costs Al Qaeda to get 100 or more Americans protesting against Islam in any form to be shown on every major news network including Al Jazeera is the price of buying some ignorant redneck a six pack of beer, a dozen pieces of poster board, and three or four ‘Sharpies’, then from a recruiting standpoint they’re getting one hell of a bang for the buck– if you’ll pardon the expression.”
By DB, on August 21st, 2010
“I fail to see how this should come as a surprise to anybody,” said Meegan Toomey, Professor of Modern Media at Pueblo State University, “After all, how else could one explain the fact that Limbaugh’s audience is 3 1/2 times as large as any radio host who makes sense.”
By DB, on August 25th, 2010
Less than 24 hours after Ben Quayle raked in a staggering 22.7% of the vote en route to a resounding victory in Arizona’s Third District Republican Congressional primary, former United States Vice Presidents are pouring into Arizona at a rate many thought impossible since the state’s tough new immigration law went into effect — making many local residents so uneasy that some are calling for an amendment to deal specifically with how the law applies to washed-up politicians.
By DB, on September 2nd, 2010
Speaking before an enthusiastic group of seniors at the Linesnot Quiteflat Rest Home outside Topeka, Kansas, Gingrich cited the, “wisdom of the average, everyday American that the Washington liberal establishment continues to ignore when dealing with issues like immigration reform and whether or not the First Amendment should apply to Muslim citizens.”
By DB, on September 4th, 2010
Noted television evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson, who never misses an opportunity to combine his two great passions, admits he was caught totally off guard by today’s 7.1 magnitude earthquake that caused much damage — but thankfully no fatalities — in New Zealand.
By DB, on September 8th, 2010
I write to you today because I see many parallels between our two lives. It is my most fervent wish that by pointing out how much the two of us have in common — despite coming from very different backgrounds — that perhaps once you’ve seen how very much alike we are, upon reflection, prayer, and guidance from the Almighty, you will do what is best come Saturday, September 11 — a day that has become holy to so many of us.
By DB, on November 8th, 2010
… A massive protest rally expected to draw hundreds of thousands is scheduled for this coming weekend in Calcutta, India — the proposed new home for America’s bicameral legislature. Protesters claim that having their citizens perform the work of the United States Congress will tarnish their city’s reputation and diminish its standing in the eyes of the rest of the world.
By DB, on January 4th, 2011
“This is eerily reminiscent of what happened with the New START Treaty before the recess,” lamented Sen. John Kyl (R-AZ). “This is, as I’ve repeatedly warned, exactly the sort of thing that happens when a vote gets rammed through before people have had a chance to read what they’re voting on.”
By DB, on January 10th, 2011
“We recognize Mr. Phelps for his extraordinary contributions in the areas of anti-Western civilization rhetoric and domestic terrorism,” Ahmadinejad told reporters in a prepared statement. “He has single-handedly raised the bar, setting a new standard for those of us who espouse these methods.
By DB, on January 12th, 2011
The boycott, which is already under way, is slated to be closely scrutinized. A swarm of both the television and print media has descended upon the church’s headquarters in Topeka, Kansas, where they will follow the boycott’s impact on the church and its membership through interviews and ‘human interest featurettes’.
By DB, on January 14th, 2011
While it is not against Party rules for the chairman to be born outside of the United States, Ms. Taitz maintains that, “it just sets a bad example and gives the appearance that the party is getting soft on immigration.”
By DB, on January 17th, 2011
In an exclusive interview with fellow Fox News personality Sean Hannity scheduled to air this evening, former half-term Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is certain to stir up even more controversy with a surprisingly blunt attack against those who have recently criticized her use of violent rhetoric.
By DB, on January 20th, 2011
I am writing in the hopes of bringing to your attention a perspective regarding political rhetoric and the use of hyperbole which I have found shockingly absent in the views and opinions expressed from all sides — liberal and conservative, pundits, politicians and media — in the current national debate prompted by the horrific crimes committed in Tucson on January 8th.
By DB, on January 22nd, 2011
Supporters of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad filed papers this week with the Federal Election Commission to form an exploratory committee in anticipation of a possible run for the 2012 Republican Presidential nomination. The move, which came as a surprise to all but a handful of insiders most familiar with the inner workings of the GOP, legally allows the current Iranian President to collect and/or spend more than $5000 while “testing the waters” before formally declaring his candidacy.
By DB, on January 25th, 2011
After a week which has seen a flurry of activity on Capitol Hill in which members of Congress have scrambled to secure the most attractive and prestigious dates for Tuesday’s State of the Union Address, leaders of both parties announced on Monday that the celebration of bipartisanship would continue throughout the rest of the evening — namely extending to the traditional gathering which always follows the more formal festivities, or as it is known among Capitol insiders, “The Kegger”.
By DB, on January 30th, 2011
The recent controversy sparked by a class-action lawsuit filed in a federal court in California against Taco Bell has wafted all the way to Washington DC, where according to one observer, “… it’s polluting the chamber of the Republican caucus.”
By DB, on February 1st, 2011
The move follows months of infighting among national security officials since the initial discovery of the planned attacks. While some experts see the plot as an attempt to further disrupt US and world financial markets, many see it as a gesture intended to be a first step toward a dialogue and perhaps reconciliation with the West.
By DB, on February 14th, 2011
Mubarak … is expected to be formally introduced at a White House ceremony on Monday as the nominee to become the 23rd man to hold the office since it was established in 1947. If confirmed by the Senate, Mr. Mubarak would also become the first non-American despot to hold such a senior position in the United States government.
By DB, on February 28th, 2011
In what is seen as a strong indication he is contemplating a 2012 Presidential bid, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced today that he has not only extended an offer of asylum to Libyan strongman Muammar Qaddafi, but has also offered the soon to be dead or deposed dictator a position in his administration.
By DB, on March 7th, 2011
A bill recently introduced in the Texas state legislature would impose stiff fines and jail sentences on any medical professional who performs or facilitates the performance of any abortion procedure — except for those performed on undocumented aliens. House Bill 1212, also known as the “Stop Killing Babies That Won’t Steal American Jobs Bill”…
By DB, on March 10th, 2011
Republican lawmakers in Wisconsin, emboldened with the sudden realization that a quorum is not necessary to vote on any legislation not requiring public expenditure, capped off what leadership described as, “the most nostalgic night in memory” by voting to reinstitute slavery above the Mason-Dixon Line for the first time since 1863.
By DB, on March 16th, 2011
Addressing reporters at a hastily called press conference, a visibly frustrated Satan today called on the world’s leaders to shut down all existing nuclear power plants and place a permanent moratorium on the building of new ones.
By DB, on April 21st, 2011
A recent study conducted by a blue-ribbon panel comprised of the country’s top historians, sociologists, anthropologists, psychologists, numismatists, philatelists, clergy, astrologers, and pole-dancers has concluded that, as a group, those Americans who currently identify themselves as ‘Conservative Republican’ resemble the country’s forefathers more closely than any other group in many generations.
By DB, on April 27th, 2011
Arguing that the impending Congressional battle over the national debt ceiling underscores the need for U.S. currency to be backed by tangible assets, House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation today that would tie the value of the dollar not to gold or silver, as was done in the past, but rather directly to the people of the United States.
By DB, on May 2nd, 2011
“Speaking at a hastily called press conference outside the hotel suite where he was conducting contestant interviews for a new reality TV series tentatively titled, ‘Female Apprentice: The Next Mrs. Trump’, surprise 2012 GOP presidential front-runner Donald Trump expressed his skepticism regarding President Obama’s announcement that US forces have killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan.
By DB, on May 18th, 2011
Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.
By DB, on May 21st, 2011
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty may make the biggest splash of any of the 2012 GOP candidates when he jumps into the ring on Monday – less than 48 hours after Saturday’s much-anticipated Rapture, and exactly two months since he chose the day of the last vernal equinox to announce the formation of his Presidential Exploratory Committee.
By DB, on May 22nd, 2011
Appearing at a poolside press conference at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Jesus Christ officially announced his return in anticipation of his long-awaited showdown with the Antichrist. In doing so, he confirmed what few had realized – that the Rapture did in fact occur, as announced, at 6 PM on Saturday, May 21, 2011.
By DB, on May 25th, 2011
Claiming the mantle of ‘The Party of Personal Responsibility’ and in an effort to correct what they characterize as ‘senseless government intrusion into every day life’, House Republicans today voted to open debate on a measure that would repeal all current drunk driving statutes.
By DB, on May 26th, 2011
Disgraced former IMF Chief and future wearer of a seven-digit number Dominique Strauss-Kahn has finally found ‘suitable digs’ in which to serve the remainder of his house arrest while facing rape charges in New York City.
By DB, on June 1st, 2011
While in the past, I have gone to financial institutions or – if necessary – friends and/or family to secure loans in order to stay current, ‘greater minds than mine’ have informed me that these actions have been irresponsible.
By DB, on June 10th, 2011
The much-anticipated document drop, described by Juniper Toomey (an Alaska state official who spoke on condition of anonymity) as “Wikileaks Meets the Weekly Reader”, resulted from numerous Freedom of Information Act requests initially challenged by the grammatically challenged former governor.
By DB, on June 16th, 2011
Shortly after it was announced that the long-time al Qaeda ‘Number 2’ had been named the international terrorist organization’s new leader, accusations of tampering, voter fraud, and illegal campaign contributions put a damper on the planned celebration festivities…
By DB, on June 21st, 2011
McCain stunned a Washington press conference this afternoon when he announced that there is “compelling evidence” indicating that the cow belonging to Mrs. Catherine O’Leary, long-believed to have been responsible for starting the conflagration that devastated the city of Chicago, Illinois in October of 1871, had, in fact, entered the city illegally.
By DB, on June 22nd, 2011
Republican 2012 Presidential hopeful Tim Pawlenty remains hospitalized after accidentally being buried alive following a graveside memorial service he attended this morning.
By DB, on July 1st, 2011
House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor vehemently denied any prior knowledge of illegal activity or attempted cover-up by anyone on Capitol Hill, adding, “We are not crooks.”
By DB, on July 7th, 2011
CNN will launch the first-ever adult oriented, interactive late-night political talk show. Loosely modeled on their show ‘Crossfire’, which aired from 1982 to 2005, ‘Tit-for-Tat/Tweet-for-Twat’, starring John Ensign and Anthony Weiner will also feature a large graphic display showing live (subject to a 7 second delay) Facebook and Twitter feeds allowing viewers to participate in the conversation.
By DB, on July 10th, 2011
Among those watching this tragedy unfold on live television was Shitonia Moment, a veteran IRS agent who immediately leapt into action, sacrificing part of her weekend to calculate the taxes on Mr. Lopez’s alleged windfall and begin the process of making sure to hold him accountable for every dime.
By DB, on July 12th, 2011
It is widely believed that, should the measure pass, Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation would be the clear frontrunner to acquire either the most lucrative government contract to date, or perhaps even the NSA itself.
By DB, on July 13th, 2011
Calling it “an effort to find middle ground” with Democrats and the President, House Speaker John Boehner today broke with the majority of his party and stated his willingness to support one measure that would increase taxes: a tax on any individual or couple describing themselves as gay or lesbian.
By DB, on July 21st, 2011
The British International Press Association (BIPA) announced today that its Executive Board has chosen obscure upstart The Desperate Blogger as this year’s recipient of the coveted ‘Bippy’ Award for excellence in creative investigative journalism.
By DB, on July 28th, 2011
While most of you — as well as most of us — will agree that we really ‘don’t give a rat’s ass’ about our bosses, their children, their lives, and all of that drivel, they nonetheless control the collective professional fates of we, your devoted servants…
By DB, on August 8th, 2011
The uncertainty caused by the present U.S. climate … results from uneasiness on the part of investors that a representative democracy can adequately function without compromise. Or to put it in layman’s terms, ‘the fastest way to find a bottom is to put a bunch of assholes in charge’.”
By DB, on August 15th, 2011
Should Congress continue as normal with its summer recess, or return to Washington to work on the myriad of crises facing the country?
It appears that the people are as divided on this issue as their representatives are on everything else, albeit with a far more civil tone.
By DB, on August 17th, 2011
While a request to the Perry campaign for an interview was denied citing scheduling conflicts, Gov. Perry was gracious enough to consent to the brief ‘get acquainted’ written Q & A which appears below. We wish to thank the governor and his staff, particularly his personal assistant, Pronto, for their cooperation.
By DB, on August 23rd, 2011
Jubilant investors ‘welcomed the news as sending a strong message to legislators in spite of their being out of town on summer recess’. As one veteran trader put it, “Had Congress actually been in session, I think you’d have seen the Dow up about 1200.”
By DB, on August 31st, 2011
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor prides himself on being consistent. Before all of the missing had been found earlier this year after a category five tornado ravaged Joplin, Missouri, the Virginia Republican announced that he would not support funding for emergency aid without concurrent cuts elsewhere in the budget.
By DB, on September 1st, 2011
Speaking at a press conference on the grounds of his La Jolla, California vacation compound, former 2012 GOP presidential front-runner Mitt Romney today ‘broke ground’ on his proposed jobs creation plan, which he claims, “will create a jobs Mecca in the United States that people around the world will look to and pray they had five times a day.”
By DB, on September 2nd, 2011
Under the most bizarre of circumstances, Sarah Palin announced this morning that she has decided to endorse Texas Governor Rick Perry for President in the 2012 elections…
By DB, on September 7th, 2011
While eight 2012 Republican Presidential hopefuls prepare to do battle and an anxious 24/7 cable news industry drools in anticipation of Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s first televised debate on the national stage, a movement that could render the entire exercise moot is underway – and quickly gaining momentum.
By DB, on September 11th, 2011
Former New York City Mayor and 2008 Republican presidential hopeful Rudolph W. Giuliani’s announcement that he has filed the necessary papers to officially change his name represents a clear sign to analysts, pundits, and street vendors alike that the man once known as ‘America’s Mayor’ will soon be jumping into the 2012 GOP primary race.
By DB, on September 15th, 2011
When The Donald dined with tea party queens Michele and Dr. Marcus Bachmann less than 24 hours after breaking bread with Gov. Perry at the posh Jean Georges restaurant, even the most casual of observers was left wondering if his choice of venue wasn’t perhaps dictated by the most recent polls.
By DB, on September 23rd, 2011
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today continued his tradition of stunning the international community during his annual appearances before the United Nations General Assembly – and most observers agree that he’ll probably never top this one.
By DB, on September 26th, 2011
The two former governors – whose vote totals combined still fell 8% short of Cain’s among the 2,657 cast – issued their first, and presumably last, joint statement saying, “The people have spoken and their message has been received – loud and clear.” They also congratulated Jon Huntsman on his victory.
By DB, on October 17th, 2011
But if recent history has taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing better than an American presence to prevent democracy from breaking out in Muslim countries where the masses, once liberated, will tell both our government and our most upstanding corporate job creators to go f**k themselves.
|
|
