Study: Tax Cuts Cure Erectile Dysfunction

According to a report to be published in next week’s edition of the New England Journal of Medicine, tax cuts, long touted by conservatives as a cure for every problem the country faces, may indeed provide a useful stimulus for more than just the economy.

The results of a medical study conducted at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in Baltimore indicate a strong correlation between the mere mention of tax cuts by convention speakers and “tangible growth and focus in areas unrelated to the speech” among those in attendance.

The study, put together in recent months by a group of conservative doctors, was inspired by their own observations after attending a speech by Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann at their St. Paul country club.  “When we compared our notes, the root cause of the physical manifestations we and others in attendance experienced during the speech quickly became apparent,” said Dr. Paul Katz, Distinguished Fellow of Photo-Gynecological Research at Hennepin County Medical Center in Minneapolis.  “Nothing else about the Congresswoman or anything she had to say could have produced such a result.”

After formulating their outline for a clinical trial, Dr. Katz and his colleagues contacted the organizers of CPAC, who agreed to allow their team to discreetly gather data at this year’s convention.  As a safety precaution, the organizers also agreed to schedule seminars and speakers in a manner that ensured no participant would be exposed to talk of reduced taxes for more than four consecutive hours.

“Our staff did a great job,” said Dr. Katz of the 100-plus medical research professionals who were dispersed among the CPAC crowd, “Due to a certain physical characteristic which was unusually prevalent among the sample group, only a highly trained eye would typically even notice any response to the stimuli utilized, let alone have the skill to quantify it.”

While the results of this trial are primarily observational, Dr. Katz added that plans are already in the works to test the effectiveness of the treatment in a laboratory environment.  “There was a certain ‘surprise speaker’ at CPAC — who shall remain anonymous — who has indicated publicly that he is a strong believer in the accuracy of data obtained by attaching electrodes to the subject’s genitals, and who has also promised to assist us in gaining access to what he described as ‘a couple of hundred subjects who are used to it by now’.  It is our hope that the next phase of trials will begin this spring in Cuba.”

Seizing the opportunity presented by this preliminary data, House Majority Leader John Boehner, sporting the impressive suntan he acquired while working on constituent issues in his native Ohio during the President’s Day recess, called on Congress to pass across-the-board tax cuts for all Americans, particularly American subsidiaries of foreign corporations.  But later, bowing to pressure from so-called ‘Blue Dog’ Democrats over public health concerns, ‘The Bronze Clod’ as he is known to many on Capitol Hill, amended his position, proposing to exclude from tax relief “… any persons taking nitrates for chest pains or whose doctor determines that they are not healthy enough for sexual activity”.

In a related story, shares of pharmaceutical giant Pfizer fell over 18% to $14.37 per share on heavy volume.  Former Senator and Viagra spokesman Bob Dole was unavailable for comment.  According to his publicist, Senator Dole was “spending the entire afternoon in consultation with his doctors and accountant.”