… A massive protest rally expected to draw hundreds of thousands is scheduled for this coming weekend in Calcutta, India — the proposed new home for America’s bicameral legislature. Protesters claim that having their citizens perform the work of the United States Congress will tarnish their city’s reputation and diminish its standing in the eyes of the rest of the world.
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Representatives of NBC Universal and the Obama Administration stunned both the entertainment and financial worlds at a ‘Top of the Rock’ press conference this morning with the announcement that the parties had finalized a blockbuster trade that they claim “will forever shift the balance and perception of power as it pertains to the economy and late night television”. “Unfortunately, nobody was there to intervene this time,” Bailey’s daughter Zuzu told reporters through a family spokesman. “This time, the bell will be ringing for daddy.” “… The only thing I could compare it to would be if the ‘other OPEC’ established a mechanism by which consumers could choose, for example, whether the oil they consume came from Saudi Arabia or Kuwait or the UAE or any other cartel member of their choice…” As the Senate moves closer to debate on their version of health care — or more accurately, health insurance — reform, those in opposition are beating the drum ever louder for what they claim is a simple solution that will guarantee increased competition and result in lower premiums: “… I want to let you know that through my own hard work and dedication, I promise that within one year, I will turn the 150 years you have given me into 200 – maybe more. And after that, the sky’s the limit!” – Bernard Madoff During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors, Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain, Pope Snubs Colbert, ‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced |
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