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Homeland Security Adds Senator Shelby to ‘No-Fly’ List

When asked about the prospect of the Department of Homeland Security reversing its decision and removing Senator Shelby from ‘no-fly’ and terrorist watch lists, Newton Toomey, a Department official who spoke on condition of anonymity, said, “Let him commute between Washington and Alabama in a Winnebago like every other guy his age.”

Security Tight as Loners Mourn Passing of Literary Giant

Law enforcement officials are tightening security in and around the nation’s prisons, high schools and colleges, and have issued special advisory warnings to celebrities and politicians as millions of loners, many of whom they fear may be prone to violence, join the literary community and the rest of the nation in mourning the passing of J.D. Salinger, the reclusive author of “Catcher in the Rye”, who passed away yesterday at the age of 91.

Heene Family Faces Terror Probe, Marriage Annulment

During a whirlwind afternoon that appeared to some observers as a sort of “bad reality television marathon,” the Heene family of Fort Collins, Colorado saw the arrest of their three sons, ages 6, 8 and 9, for their alleged involvement in a sophisticated plot to bomb targets in New York City, as well as the surprise annulment of the marriage of parents Richard and Mayumi.

Warning: This One is Serious

I’ll never forget when I thanked some of them for their hospitality. Their response was always the same and was as sincere and wonderful as it was horrific: “No — thank you. It’s nice to know somebody cares.”

CIA Cancels Second Covert Assassination Program

n an emergency joint-session of both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, CIA Director Leon Panetta informed Congress that the CIA has, over the vociferous objections of former Vice President Dick Cheney, suspended its covert program which for nearly half a century planned the assassination of Cuban leader Fidel Castro.

Cheney Blasts Britain for Role in Iran Protests

“Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers…

Obama Blamed for Swine Flu Outbreak

Republican lawmakers and prominent conservative media figures slammed President Obama today, accusing him of carrying the swine flu virus back from his recent trip to Mexico and using the ensuing potential health pandemic as a political tool to scare the American public into supporting his healthcare plan.

Cheney Calls for Probe of McCain, POWs

Now that we know how well these methods work, I shudder to think about the extent of the threats to our national security caused by their use on Senator McCain and countless other otherwise loyal Americans who served as prisoners of war.” – Dick Cheney

Polls Show Support for Texas Secession

But polls in the other 49 states show overwhelming support for a new Texas Republic. Nearly two-thirds of adults nationwide who realize that the U.S. would lose roughly half of its current border with Mexico are willing to say ‘adios’ to the Lone Star State.

Limbaugh Travels to Canada for Surgery

During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass.