“The only explanation for such behavior is that the defendant is either maliciously defaming the decade of the 1970s, as the suit alleges, or he’s some crackpot living in a bygone era with delusions that he’s both Woodward and Bernstein at the same time.”
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Sanford, delivering his final ‘State of the State Address’ again apologized for his affair with an obviously gullible Argentine woman to an otherwise fed-up group of South Carolina legislators, many of whom appeared in the chamber wielding torches, pitchforks, and lead pipes… Meanwhile, John Edwards provided the surprise of the day by actually admitting that he is, in fact, the father of Frances Quinn Hunter, the out-of-wedlock daughter born to his former campaign aide Rielle Hunter, who, for about a year, has been generally considered by even the most casual of observers to be his child. Representatives of NBC Universal and the Obama Administration stunned both the entertainment and financial worlds at a ‘Top of the Rock’ press conference this morning with the announcement that the parties had finalized a blockbuster trade that they claim “will forever shift the balance and perception of power as it pertains to the economy and late night television”. Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences” – Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that they will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that they encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”. With that, Mr. Blankfein unveiled Goldman’s latest print ad, showing a photo of two scantily-clad, if not overly attractive women on either side of Tiger Woods, who in the photo is grinning broadly while displaying his putter. Appearing below the photo is Goldman Sachs’ new slogan, “Yeah, but it’s legal.” Former Vice President Dick Cheney warned children at a petting zoo that, “The President acting as an apologist for one of our most sacred national holidays sends a message of weakness that will only embolden our enemies and threatens the safety and security of every American.” Aides to former President George W. Bush described the former Commander-in-Chief as “totally stoked” after his appearance at the Fort Worth “Get Motivated” seminar this past Monday. Mr. Bush, who daringly departed from standard motivational topics by urging those who stayed awake long enough to “stand by [their] beliefs” was reportedly “overwhelmed by initial reports of the audience response” to his message. |
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