Appearing at a poolside press conference at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Jesus Christ officially announced his return in anticipation of his long-awaited showdown with the Antichrist. In doing so, he confirmed what few had realized – that the Rapture did in fact occur, as announced, at 6 PM on Saturday, May 21, 2011.
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Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty may make the biggest splash of any of the 2012 GOP candidates when he jumps into the ring on Monday – less than 48 hours after Saturday’s much-anticipated Rapture, and exactly two months since he chose the day of the last vernal equinox to announce the formation of his Presidential Exploratory Committee. Addressing reporters at a hastily called press conference, a visibly frustrated Satan today called on the world’s leaders to shut down all existing nuclear power plants and place a permanent moratorium on the building of new ones. “We recognize Mr. Phelps for his extraordinary contributions in the areas of anti-Western civilization rhetoric and domestic terrorism,” Ahmadinejad told reporters in a prepared statement. “He has single-handedly raised the bar, setting a new standard for those of us who espouse these methods. I write to you today because I see many parallels between our two lives. It is my most fervent wish that by pointing out how much the two of us have in common — despite coming from very different backgrounds — that perhaps once you’ve seen how very much alike we are, upon reflection, prayer, and guidance from the Almighty, you will do what is best come Saturday, September 11 — a day that has become holy to so many of us. Noted television evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson, who never misses an opportunity to combine his two great passions, admits he was caught totally off guard by today’s 7.1 magnitude earthquake that caused much damage — but thankfully no fatalities — in New Zealand. Speaking before an enthusiastic group of seniors at the Linesnot Quiteflat Rest Home outside Topeka, Kansas, Gingrich cited the, “wisdom of the average, everyday American that the Washington liberal establishment continues to ignore when dealing with issues like immigration reform and whether or not the First Amendment should apply to Muslim citizens.” “I fail to see how this should come as a surprise to anybody,” said Meegan Toomey, Professor of Modern Media at Pueblo State University, “After all, how else could one explain the fact that Limbaugh’s audience is 3 1/2 times as large as any radio host who makes sense.” Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who ridded their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.” The Christian Broadcasting Network today announced that it will honor South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and 2010 gubernatorial candidate Andre Bauer as the network’s ‘Christian of the Year’ at a gala event to be held in two weeks on the grounds of network founder Pat Robertson’s estate and broadcast on Sunday, February 21, as a special edition of ‘The 700 Club’ which will air immediately following the live season finale of their top-rated ‘Jesus Got Talent’. |
    
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