Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who ridded their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.”
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The Christian Broadcasting Network today announced that it will honor South Carolina Lieutenant Governor and 2010 gubernatorial candidate Andre Bauer as the network’s ‘Christian of the Year’ at a gala event to be held in two weeks on the grounds of network founder Pat Robertson’s estate and broadcast on Sunday, February 21, as a special edition of ‘The 700 Club’ which will air immediately following the live season finale of their top-rated ‘Jesus Got Talent’. Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences” – Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that they will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that they encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”. The Conservative Bible Project is looking for volunteers to help in their effort to edit the words of God and teachings of Jesus in order to eliminate the liberal bias that has contaminated their modern translations. Less than 24 Hours after its ban on fruit and candy flavored cigarettes went into effect, the national Food and Drug Administration today held its first public hearing regarding a proposed ban on candy and fruit flavored underwear. The Department of Homeland Security has detained Fox News host and former cool-kid wannabe Sean Hannity. ‘God’s bff’ is being questioned about alleged treasonous acts stemming from a poll on his website asking followers of his cult to vote on their preferred form of revolution. Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors, Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain, Pope Snubs Colbert, ‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced In a related story, sources close to Caroline Kennedy flatly denied as untrue reports that Ms. Kennedy had contacted Vatican officials to express her interest in the vacant Archbishop post. |
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