Spectrum Brands, makers of the George Foreman Grill®, announced yesterday that they have reached an agreement in principle with former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney to endorse their latest small kitchen appliance, The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro®.
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One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?” According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?” Opponents describe such legislation as a blatant attempt to prevent women from voting. Supporters claim that no one’s rights would be infringed, and the measures, once enacted, will allow female voters to ‘make more informed decisions’. In a Desperate Blogger exclusive, we reveal the video that by their very own admission, friends of Rush Limbaugh have been keeping under lock and key. Word of the announcement spread like wildfire as several of the lunchtime throng seated in the main dining room of the Whitewater, Wisconsin Applebee’s realized that the seemingly disoriented individual who had just emerged from the restaurant’s banquet room to disturb their midday meal was no ordinary rambling lunatic, and apparently something important was afoot. “Our goal is to establish a personal connection between Gov. Romney and the voting public. And if we’ve learned one thing over the last year, it’s that having the governor go out and actually meet and talk with people just isn’t going to cut it…” When asked to which country or countries he planned to deport offenders under the plan, Gov. Romney responded, “That will have to be determined at a later date — but I can tell you that I would not favor deportation to Mexico since we still have a lot of family there.” In a stunning move that rocked the political world from Nome to Homs, Bashar al-Assad announced earlier today that he will be stepping down as President of Syria and will immediately focus his full attention on his pursuit of the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States. |
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