According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?”
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In a stunning move that rocked the political world from Nome to Homs, Bashar al-Assad announced earlier today that he will be stepping down as President of Syria and will immediately focus his full attention on his pursuit of the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has declared next Monday, October 24, an official day of mourning in honor of former Libyan leader Moammar Qadafi, a man he praised as, “… an inspirational leader, and a role model for the head of any state.” As if their depiction by GOP Presidential hopeful Herman Cain wasn’t already hard enough to swallow, scores of ‘Occupy Wall Street’ protestors were rushed to area hospitals today after falling ill from what sources believe was a tainted delivery — ironically, it is presumed, — from Godfather’s Pizza, Cain’s former company. Citing his official renunciation of terrorism beyond his own country’s borders as well as his leadership during his year-long tenure as Chairman of the African Union, the Nobel Committee described Col. Qadafi as “a pivotal figure in the creation of the social and political climate which the entire North African region now enjoys.” The move, aimed at increasing deposits based on currencies that experts believe will still exist 2-3 years from now is seen as a major blow to Bank of America and other U.S. banks who recently announced plans to make up for the shortfall created by the recent outlawing of excessive fees they charge merchants for processing debit card transactions. The British International Press Association (BIPA) announced today that its Executive Board has chosen obscure upstart The Desperate Blogger as this year’s recipient of the coveted ‘Bippy’ Award for excellence in creative investigative journalism. Disgraced former IMF Chief and future wearer of a seven-digit number Dominique Strauss-Kahn has finally found ‘suitable digs’ in which to serve the remainder of his house arrest while facing rape charges in New York City. Appearing at a poolside press conference at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel and Casino, Jesus Christ officially announced his return in anticipation of his long-awaited showdown with the Antichrist. In doing so, he confirmed what few had realized – that the Rapture did in fact occur, as announced, at 6 PM on Saturday, May 21, 2011. “Speaking at a hastily called press conference outside the hotel suite where he was conducting contestant interviews for a new reality TV series tentatively titled, ‘Female Apprentice: The Next Mrs. Trump’, surprise 2012 GOP presidential front-runner Donald Trump expressed his skepticism regarding President Obama’s announcement that US forces have killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. |
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