Addressing reporters at a hastily called press conference, a visibly frustrated Satan today called on the world’s leaders to shut down all existing nuclear power plants and place a permanent moratorium on the building of new ones.
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I write to you today because I see many parallels between our two lives. It is my most fervent wish that by pointing out how much the two of us have in common — despite coming from very different backgrounds — that perhaps once you’ve seen how very much alike we are, upon reflection, prayer, and guidance from the Almighty, you will do what is best come Saturday, September 11 — a day that has become holy to so many of us. “If all it costs Al Qaeda to get 100 or more Americans protesting against Islam in any form to be shown on every major news network including Al Jazeera is the price of buying some ignorant redneck a six pack of beer, a dozen pieces of poster board, and three or four ‘Sharpies’, then from a recruiting standpoint they’re getting one hell of a bang for the buck– if you’ll pardon the expression.” The Euro, which has been in free-fall in recent weeks on global currency markets, will soon find itself in a very different type of free-fall if British Petroleum receives clearance from the U.S. Coast Guard to pursue what industry experts charitably label it’s ‘Plan D’ to both stop the flow of oil spewing into the Gulf of Mexico from the remains of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig as well as absorb and remove the millions [...] Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who ridded their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.” On Monday February 15 in Madrid, Judge Baltasar Garzon will convene an investigation of War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity allegedly committed by U.S. government officials and others during the Bush administration. The first witness called to testify will reportedly be American international human rights lawyer Dr. William F. Pepper. Cite “Deep Philosophical and Religious Differences” – Jesus Christ, flanked by God, appeared at an impromptu press conference today to announce that they will immediately begin boycotting the television show “The 700 Club”, as well as all of its advertisers and any other program or entity in any way affiliated with the show’s host, Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson, and that they encourage “anyone within the sound of our voices to do the same”. |
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