When reached for comment, Bain spokesman Weir Dippschitz said no immediate changes among the top ROF executives are planned, however, “a major rebranding and other ‘fine tuning’ are already in the works.”

The first, and most noticeable change as far as the casual observer is concerned, will be a change to the Super-PAC’s name. As of February 1 — one day after the pivotal Florida primary — ‘Restore Our Future’ will be known as ‘Restore Our Past’.

“The deal was actually contingent upon that being the first change,” Dippschitz told reporters. “To be brutally honest, not only is ‘Restore Our Future’ a really stupid name — I mean, how can you restore something that doesn’t exist yet? — But also, at the rate they were going, they really had very little hope of having a future. The past, on the other hand, is something that can be restored, and we at Bain Capital share the original founders’ belief that if elected President, Mitt Romney is just the man to restore not only the country’s past, but to lead us back to a pre-Teddy Roosevelt past — a period in our history when the absence of oppressive taxes and government regulation led to unprecedented growth in the private sector and a job market and labor environment rivaling that of China today.”

Also, as is typical in takeovers of this sort, substantial layoffs are expected. Dippschitz has called a press conference for Wednesday morning where it is expected Bain will announce the elimination of the Restore Our Past unit that produces television and print ads and will instead outsource those duties to the 1-Apple News Service of Taiwan seeking better quality at a lower cost. 1-Apple News Service is best known to Americans as the producers of the famous Tiger Woods animated video that documented the events leading up to his November 2009 automobile accident.

But perhaps the biggest change planned — one which Dippschitz claims could revolutionize the Super-PAC industry — will be a new system under which Restore Our Past, instead of soliciting contributions per se, will issue common stock to what are described as ‘investors in the cause’.

“While current management has been very proficient at taking advantage of election laws, they have been severely lacking when it comes to taking advantage of tax law,” according to Dippschitz. “Currently, ‘contributions’ to political campaigns and organizations are not tax-deductible. However, for example, a $10 million ‘investment’ in a corporation that figures to bankrupt itself sometime around the November elections could net the investor as much as a $3.5 million reduction in tax liability since short-term capital gains are taxed as normal income, and of course, short-term losses can be used to offset short-term gains.”

It is believed that Bain will also leverage what is believed will be substantial interest in a public stock offering in order to secure hundreds of millions of dollars in loans for Restore Our Past.

Dippschitz commented, “To put it in layman’s terms, it is precisely because a turkey can’t fly that its bones can be picked clean of succulent meat and its insides scraped for every tasty morsel of stuffing — and we at Bain believe our investors will realize as we do that Restore Our Future may be the biggest, tastiest turkey ever to appear on the American political landscape.”

The standoff began early this afternoon when Boehner returned to the Capitol shortly after extricating himself from the bus Sen. McConnell had just thrown him under. First he summoned Cantor and the others into the conference room, and shortly after all were assembled he and Cantor began contacting various press outlets and communicating their demands.

Newton Toomey, a Capitol police official familiar with the situation who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that as a precaution, authorities are acting based on the assumption that the top two ranking House Republicans are armed. Toomey also indicated there is a suspicion among many at the scene that ‘The Bronze Clod’ may be suffering from a condition he described as “tanning booth stroke” which might be impairing his judgment. “With him you can’t always tell,” he noted.

A spokesman for the families of the eight committee members told reporters that their loved ones remain confident they are safe and will remain so. “All of them have earnings putting them in the top 1-2% of Americans. The families are supremely confident that neither Mr. Boehner nor Mr. Cantor would ever do anything to harm anyone in their tax bracket, and they expect a peaceful resolution to the current situation as well as having much more time to spend with the current Representatives after the 2012 elections.”

The former House Speaker, acknowledging that bullying and browbeating so-called ‘activist judges’, “can only accomplish so much,” called for jurors — whose pay is taxpayer financed — “to be held to the highest possible standard or face severe consequences.”

When asked to elaborate, the erstwhile ethically challenged former GOP leader explained, “The judicial system is our only branch of government yet to be privatized — it remains fully funded by the public. While the Executive and Legislative branches both answer to private interests as well as, to some degree,  the public at large, activist and renegade judges and juries are free to run wild secure in the knowledge that the average voter is too busy to monitor their activities. Unless and until private money finds its way into this third branch of government, the other two branches, I feel, can only be derelict in their duty to uphold the public trust unless they have the authority to more closely scrutinize and influence an otherwise independent judiciary and judicial system.”

Gingrich’s plan –which was immediately endorsed by both the American Medical Association and the insurance industry — calls for Congress to be given the authority to subpoena for testimony jurors who reach controversial or subversive verdicts. In criminal cases, jurors who vote to acquit ‘obviously guilty’ defendants may be forced to serve whatever sentence ‘a reasonable judge’ would have given the defendant. In addition, in cases involving national security, the President would have the authority to declare any juror voting to acquit a suspected terrorist an ‘enemy combatant’ and order their indefinite detention without trial or even charges being brought.

Additionally, any civil jury granting a medical malpractice award in excess of $250,000 would collectively be responsible for payment to the plaintiff of 10% of the excess award.

When asked by one reporter how he would respond to criticism that his plan might be perceived as putting undue pressure on jurors to be less partial than they might otherwise be out of fear that outsiders whose only knowledge of the facts involved in the case would be derived from media coverage, the pandering recovering philanderer responded, “Unlike the media, and for that matter the Democrat party, I know the American people. The American people are a good and proud people — proud of our country, proud of our democracy. Most Americans realize how lucky they are to live in a land where they have been taught since they were young impressionable children that is a privilege to serve on a jury — to have their lives disrupted in order to sit in judgment of a neighbor for 40 bucks a day — and they take that responsibility seriously. What I’m proposing would apply only to those traitorous, unpatriotic few who view our hallowed court rooms as a place to impose their own agenda on an unsuspecting populace.”

In related news, the Gingrich campaign today announced that it had scrapped plans to fly blimps bearing the likeness of the former Speaker over states holding primary elections and caucuses. According to a campaign staffer familiar with the situation, they were unable to find any available airships large enough to display Mr. Gingrich’s head.

With that in mind, the editors would like to share with you a suggestion passed along by one of our readers who, like most of you, wishes to remain anonymously above the fray…  As many of you will be attending the season’s major art auctions, you may be well advised to purchase a portfolio of works by living relative unknowns.  As our anonymous source, former hedge fund CEO and Professor of Recession Economics at Pueblo State University, Newton Toomey points out, with the predictable pending upswing in the mortality rate among artists, most of whom are unemployed, uninsured, and otherwise belong with society’s other bottom-feeders, those currently producing works of merit can be expected to die in the short-to-medium term (as opposed to medium-to-long) leaving behind limited bodies of work which should appreciate handsomely in value.  As an ancillary benefit, ‘supporting’ struggling artists by purchasing a warehouse full of contemporary pieces at fire-sale prices (even by today’s standards — remember, they need to buy food and pay rent) as opposed to purchasing one $20 million Rembrandt will help to solidify your credentials as a ‘job creator’.

(Disclaimer:  As always, we at ‘1%er Talking Points’ bear no responsibility for any action taken by any organization, group, or individual based upon any statements or actions of ours.)

Again, Merry Christmas and a Happy and Profitable New Year!

Now, on to the task at hand:

Talking Point #1:  ‘Gay Season’ is upon us.  With the 2012 campaign about to enter its Primary phase, it’s time to once again divert public attention from jobs, the economy and the wars by pounding the table on behalf of good old-fashioned anti-gay family values. Now that the Kenyan anti-colonial Ivy League elitist has succeeded in getting DADT repealed and the liberal Jewish New Yorkers have legalized gay marriage, it’s time to again mobilize ‘God’s warriors’ to clog up the media’s print and air-space.  But alas, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus – and he’s given us Penn State Football and Syracuse Basketball.  We suggest whenever possible the merging of the anti-gay crusade with the call to eliminate all forms of public aid for education, as well, of course, as the elimination of the federal Department of Education.

Talking Point #2:  ‘The 53%’.  Our patrons continue to bless us with their unwavering support in spite of hard economic times, due largely in part to our esteemed marketing genius who realized that “getting them to believe they could become one of us has got to be an easier sell than a talking, burning bush or a virgin birth.”  The editors hope that this past Thanksgiving our readers remembered to give thanks to all of those who complain they are supporting the ‘other 47%’ when in fact it is we who maintain our position through their diligence, loyalty, and hard work.  That being said, however, we must refer to them as ‘hard working, patriotic Americans’ and the like, but NEVER as ‘the 53%’.  Doing so only seems to inspire the few remaining liberal ‘goody two-shoes’ journalists who still believe that news stories should be fact-based to point out not only how small and inadequate one’s income must be to avoid paying even $1 in federal income tax, but also how much ‘the 47%’ pay in state, local, sales, property, excise, and other taxes.

Talking Point #3:  Spending Cuts = Taxpayer Savings.  Any federal budget cuts involving education, Medicaid, aid to states, etc. should be referred to only in the generic form, such as ‘spending cuts’, ‘increased savings’, ‘reducing wasteful expenditures’, etc.  They should never be specifically referred to as anything that anyone with half-a-brain should realize is nothing more than the federal government passing the cost down to the state and local level and therefore not creating a dime of ‘Taxpayer Savings’.

Talking Point #4:  Market Uncertainty.  Our PR campaign blaming the lack of public sector job growth on uncertainty caused by the corporate tax rate, government regulation and the pending phase-in of Obamacare continues to successful beyond all projections.  American corporations are currently sitting on about $2 trillion in cash.  But if we are to get the legislation we need to grow that number to $3 trillion, we have to ‘keep the pedal to the metal’.  Anyone suggesting that lower demand due to lower wages, the recession and/or lack of disposable income of the consumer class is to blame should be attacked as ‘uninformed’, ‘economically naïve’ or an ‘intellectual elite who has never created a job in his/her life’.

Talking Point #5:  Small Government.  If confronted on the issue while blaming ‘failed big government policies’ for the current high levels of unemployment, always refer to the nearly 1 million private sector jobs cut since the recession began as ‘statistically insignificant’.

Talking Point #6:  Pepper Spray.  It’s about time whiny liberals stop complaining about the use of an everyday condiment “being used to attack peaceful demonstrators” who are trying to bring down capitalism.  If pepper is so dangerous, they should stop having it placed in public school, hospital, and other cafeterias – at taxpayer expense – and they should also boycott their beloved chi-chi, subversive restaurants that serve foreign cuisine and pay illegal immigrants to go from table to table ‘fresh cracking’ it into everyone’s food. Kudos to our friends at U.C.-Davis for distracting attention from the increasing police militarism going on everywhere else and facilitating the start of a more palatable dialogue (no pun intended)…

Reminder: Support those who support us! With the Thanksgiving holiday now behind us, be sure to tune in to Fox News, whose special week-long series, “The War on Christmas” begins tonight, kicking off their annual month-long campaign to distract public attention away from important issues by airing countless incessant rants on this topic.  Also be sure to support your local Fox affiliate, who, depending on where you live, can again be counted on to use the season’s first snowfall as an excuse to debunk the ‘global warming’ myth…

He also announced that all state offices and public schools will remain closed through Monday and that the flags over the State Capital in Madison will fly at half staff through the end of the month.  Teachers and state employees will not be paid for the missed work days.

Walker, who several months ago tried to lure the Libyan strongman to his state with an offer of political asylum and a lucrative position as the State’s Union Liaison, was visibly shaken after learning the news of his hero’s death at the hands of rebel forces.

“This is the sort of thing that happens when governments allow the workers to organize,” he reportedly told the third grade social studies class he was visiting when Qadafi’s death was confirmed.  “The Colonel had children, you know.  The same thing could happen to your Mommy and Daddy unless other governors grow a pair and squash all these anti-capitalism mobs that are now protesting right here in the United States.”

When asked by the class’s teacher to explain to the children the democratic mechanism that allows for elected officials such as him to be recalled, Gov. Walker evoked memories of his fallen idol when he replied, “I consider myself a friend of every student in this room and their families too. I ran for governor so that I could do my best for all my friends in Wisconsin.  By now I’m sure you’ve all heard that there are a bunch of liberal malcontents who apparently have nothing better to do with their time than try to remove me from office.  Well I just want to assure you all that you shouldn’t worry.  You can sleep peacefully in your beds at night knowing that this governor – your friend – will fight to the last drop of blood to see that the enemies of our State are wiped off the face of the earth.”

The study involved 917 patients in 37 states who suffer from ODS (Obama Dementia Syndrome), an affliction whose victims — most of whom otherwise show no signs of dementia or irrational behavior — suddenly suffer memory loss and display fits of anger and irrationality upon the mere mention of U.S. President Barack Obama.  Believed to have originated with an unnamed Fox News employee who contracted the illness while vacationing at a militia training camp in rural Idaho, ODS quickly spread through the network’s midtown Manhattan studio and offices and then, astonishingly (according to medical experts), to members of their audience with whom no physical connection could be made to either Fox News, its employees, New York City, or even the Idaho paramilitary facility.

One symptom of ODS is a sudden loss of memory and time perception which manifests itself by the victim becoming angry and/or frustrated and lashing out at the current President over policies, laws, or political appointments that pre-date his administration.  Most recently many such outbursts involve Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke who was appointed to the post in 2006 by then-President George W. Bush after serving as Chairman of his Council of Economic Advisers.

Another symptom is irrational outbursts that occur when the victim hears of something about the President that others like or agree with.  Common examples include:  “Do you know who else put people back to work by building roads? HITLER!” and; “You know who else was a charismatic speaker?  HITLER!”

But according to Newton Toomey, a Professor of Dementia and Irrational Behavior at Pueblo State University and former NIH test subject, there is no cause for public alarm just yet.

“The study also shows a strong correlation between ODS and ACD — over 90% of ODS sufferers are confirmed to suffer from ACD, and it is believed the number may actually be between 95 and 98% or even higher.  So it is reasonable to assume that unless one already suffers from ACD, it is unlikely they will contract ODS, particularly remotely – in the absence of direct contact with a person or mob of persons already afflicted.”

ACD – Anal-Crater Disorientation – which has seen a steady rise in confirmed cases since the 2001 passage of ‘No Child Left Behind’, but is still relatively uncommon — is also a non-life threatening disorder (in all but the most extreme cases) which renders it’s victims unable to distinguish their anal cavity from a hole in the ground.  It is most common in areas with low graduation rates, large school class sizes, and media (print, radio, and television) all controlled by NewsCorp.

While there is no known cure for either ACD or ODS, Professor Toomey concurs with the NIH’s conclusion that to raise alarm now would be premature.

“It is believed that an OCD vaccine can be developed before next year’s campaign season gets into full gear.  I have also heard from reliable sources within the pharmaceutical community that Texas Governor Rick Perry – who presides over the state with by far the most confirmed cases of ODS – will mandate that every man, woman and child in the state be vaccinated as soon as Stage I clinical trials are completed.  In the meantime, I would just caution the public that if you suspect a friend or loved one suffers from ACD, you should discourage them from listening to conservative talk-radio or watching Fox News.”

Speaking to reporters via conference call from undisclosed location where he vows to remain as long as Iraq is occupied, the man with heart shaped like a marching bunny beating a drum described the new movement as, “the most patriotic thing our millions of young people who have no jobs and no prospects can do to help keep our country safe and our largest, most strategically important corporations profitable.”

Expressing his belief that that the United States has “lost its way” in the nearly three years since President Obama took office, the unapologetic face hunter added, “When you look at when our nation has been its  most prosperous, it has always been the oil companies and the military industrial complex who led the way.  So it stands to reason that Americans occupying an oil rich nation is not only a great way to jumpstart the economy, but also the greatest thing I can think of for masses of frustrated, unemployed, displaced and disenfranchised patriots to blow off some steam – and believe me, we’ve got millions of them.”

Responding to repeated questions on any plans he may have to travel to Iraq to lead the occupation personally, Cheney – five times – reiterated, “Unfortunately, I must defer…”

Cheney went on to indicate that if ‘Occupy Iraq’ is successful, he feels the movement could spread throughout the region.

“With the announced draw-down in Afghanistan, it will be critical to have Americans in place to make their voices heard standing up for our values as well as to keep an eye on the oil pipeline.  From there, who knows?  But if recent history has taught us anything, it’s that there’s nothing better than an American presence to prevent democracy from breaking out in Muslim countries where the masses, once liberated, will tell both our government and our most upstanding corporate job creators to go f**k themselves.”

“When we arrived at the scene, we observed perhaps a hundred or more people in various stages of gastrointestinal distress,” EMS Captain Christopher Toomey told reporters.  “We were able to confirm that most of them had consumed various food items that had been delivered earlier in the day.  But I must say, there were several really queasy looking ones I spoke with personally who had not eaten at all, but did report they had been watching YouTube videos of Mr. Cain’s weekend television appearances.”

Toomey added that none of the cases appeared to be life threatening.

When told of the incident – and its positive prognosis — Mr. Cain is reported to have responded to an aide, “Of course it’s not life threatening – none of those a******s have lives.”

Federal authorities promised a full investigation.  They have jurisdiction as the alleged tainted delivery came into New York from New Jersey because in recent years, Famous Famiglia (Donald Trump’s cheese pie of choice) has managed to muscle Godfather’s completely out of the City’s five boroughs, though rumors persist that a lone holdout Godfather’s franchise is still secretly operating somewhere on Staten Island.

But while the New York City FBI office claims they are already looking into the matter, House Majority Leader Eric Candor has vowed to block any form of Federal probe until House Democrats agree to spending cuts that will offset the cost any investigation to taxpayers.

Rajiv Makesh, who operates the North Bergen, New Jersey Godfather’s location rumored to have filled the delivery order insisted that his business maintains only the highest standards of quality control.

“Every pizza and other food item that comes out of our store is prepared personally by either my mother or myself.  We only use the freshest, locally bought ingredients.”

At least one state official supported Mr. Makesh’s claim.  Speaking on condition of anonymity, Ms. Georgia Polyn of the Bergen County Board of Health confirmed that the Godfather’s restaurant in question has “a clean bill of health” as far as her department is concerned, but added that her office has received an increasing number complaints from people claiming food they were served in restaurants throughout the county has made them ill ever since the state launched a pilot program under which food distributors ‘self-regulate’ themselves, including ‘self-inspecting’ their own merchandise.

“It was a cost saving measure adopted recently by the state legislature after Congress reduced funding for FDA inspectors.  The Governor signed it over the summer,” Ms. Polyn explained.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “I can assure the dining public that New Jersey is among the safest places in the world to eat pizza.  The Governor takes this issue very seriously.  While he firmly believes in cutting job-killing government regulations, he also takes pride in New Jersey’s pizza industry.  To that end, he personally consumes at least one or two Jersey made pizzas every day to help ensure that only the highest standards of quality are maintained.”

Moammar Qadafi has won the 2011Nobel Peace Prize.

Citing his official renunciation of terrorism beyond his own country’s borders as well as his leadership during his year-long tenure as Chairman of the African Union, the Nobel Committee described Col. Qadafi as “a pivotal figure in the creation of the social and political climate which the entire North African region now enjoys.”

When asked by reporters if the National Transition Council was planning any form of celebration to mark the occasion, such as a parade in Tripoli if and when the deposed strongman ever returns from the ‘nice farm upstate’ where they have told the nation’s children they plan to send him, interim Prime Minister Mahmoud Jibril tersely responded, “A parade? No. A procession, perhaps.”

It is not yet known if Col. Qadafi, who aides said could not be reached because he is currently “hiking the Appalachian Trail with his remaining bodyguards” will travel to Stockholm next month to receive his prize in person, but Faisal al-Fislammaj Amah, a longtime aide and confidante who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity commented, “To receive such an honor personally, as well as out of respect for his hosts and his affinity for the Swedish people – particularly their women – I’m sure he will fight to the last drop of blood to be there.”

But Newton Toomey, a former State Department official and Professor of Deposed Dictatorships at Pueblo State University finds it unlikely that Qadafi will be able to attend. Professor Toomey bases her opinion on two primary factors, namely:

• Security concerns – Qadafi only travels overseas with a contingent of at least 50 female bodyguards.  He recently lost several who were ‘lurid away’ by a generous offer from former IMF Chairman Dominique Strauss-Kahn, and recent events have made the recruitment of young replacements nearly impossible;
• Visa problems – According to Prof. Toomey, “An illegal Mexican immigrant on Death Row has a better chance of getting a pardon and a work permit from Rick Perry than Qadafi has of getting a visa allowing him to leave Libya.

Or, as one NATO official familiar with efforts to locate the latest Nobel Laureate concluded, “There’s a better chance of Julian Assange showing up in Sweden voluntarily.”

The move, aimed at increasing deposits based on currencies that experts believe will still exist 2-3 years from now is seen as a major blow to Bank of America and other U.S. banks who recently announced plans to make up for the shortfall created by the recent outlawing of excessive fees they charge merchants for processing debit card transactions. BofA announced last week that it would begin charging customers a monthly fee for the privilege of accessing their money in such an efficient, cost-saving manner.

According to Bridget Duncan of the consumer banking watch-dog group ‘Stick-Up Without a Gun’, the new European policy should be a boon to American consumers.

“Unlike domestic banks, the major European firms still appreciate the value of a hard-earned, if somewhat overprinted, U.S. dollar.  And as long as the nation’s wealth is being sucked out of the country, why shouldn’t the individual banking customer reap some of the rewards?  While American bankers to continue their attempted rape of both the government and the middle class, the Europeans realize that our currency – made strong by the full faith and credit of the American taxpayers – will always be good for more than just wiping your backside… The same can’t be said about the Euro.”

But former IMF Chairman and new host of France 4 Television’s ‘Love Connection’, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, disagrees with Duncan’s characterization of his former industry:

“Why is it always girls who use that expression?  The banking industry does not seek to ‘rape’ anybody.  From time to time, some powerful company may make a mistake that, to the untrained eye, might seem an abuse of its power. While I’m not excusing all of these transgressions, and admit they are often wrong, to call it rape is to not understand.  The banks merely try to ‘kiss’ their economic partners. It is the role of the banking industry to work together with governments, and often the public, in a caring way.  Together, the three tend to each other’s needs, gently stroking the private sector – and as it grows, so too grows the economy — stronger, with a firmer job base. Then and only then, when no more stimulus is necessary, can all the partners – almost as one — bask in the glow of mutual prosperity…  Now if you’ll excuse me, I must call for the maid…”