Company spokesman Liam Toomey unveiled a prototype of the new product at a press conference in Scranton, Pennsylvania, where candidate Romney was scheduled to be campaigning for the upcoming Republican primary. “We were expecting the governor to be here,” Toomey told the reporters present, “but apparently he changed his mind at the last minute.”

The press conference featured a demonstration of the Waffle-Pro®, showing off the feature which the manufacturer claims makes this product revolutionary — a ‘reset’ button which allows its top surface to pivot, instantly converting the unit that just produced an attractive but unhealthy snack or breakfast into ‘The Mitt Romney Health-Pro® Vegetable Griller/Steamer’. “We feel that the same versatility which allows this product to instantly address and cater to what would seem on the surface to be diametrically opposed dietary cravings will make it as popular with consumers as its namesake is with moderates,” Toomey noted.

The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro® is expected to be available in stores August 27 to coincide with the opening of the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida. Toomey also announced that Gov. Romney is expected to give “… what should be a memorable — if not historic — nationally televised waffle demonstration the day after the convention.”

While full financial details of the deal were not disclosed, Spectrum Brands did reveal the existence of a provision which they feel makes the deal a guaranteed ‘win-win’.  As Mr. Toomey explained it, “if the product, as many anticipate happening with the Governor’s political career, somehow goes the way of the dodo bird, the company has an option to spin off its Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro® unit which Mr. Romney will then take over and secure venture capital to refinance, guaranteeing a successful financial outcome for both himself and our top executives prior to filing Chapter 7 bankruptcy.

Former RNC and latest Romney campaign spokesman Weir Dippschitz later deflected criticism accusing Gov. Romney of ‘cashing in’ on his Presidential front-runner status:

“The Governor maintains his long-standing position — the one, I would like to point out, on which he has never wavered, and on which we believe the majority of Americans support him. That is, that he refuses to apologize for his success. The fact that the words ‘waffle’ and ‘Mitt Romney’ are considered by so many to be inseparable predates the current campaign by many years, going all the way back to the early days of his political career. I think it’s ridiculous that some would try to hold the Governor responsible for it taking so many years for small kitchen appliance technology to catch up with his visionary political strategy…”

Order was finally restored only after what appeared to be a legion of Capitol police finally subdued the religious scholar and philosopher viewed by many as their Lord and Savior.

One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?”  According to The Bronze Clod, “I had a feeling it would be a long evening for our guest when before he uttered a word, (Mississippi Republican) Gregg Harper objected to the Chair recognizing him, insisting that he first lower the hood of his robe in compliance with House rules regarding hats. I’m pretty sure there were also others whose suspicions were aroused when He appeared wearing a hoodie. Frankly, you’d think He would have known better.”

The evening only became more contentious after that.

In His prepared remarks, Jesus (as He told His audience He likes to be called) implored the members of Congress to allow the Bush era tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans to expire as scheduled at the end of the year, close tax loopholes for the wealthiest individuals and most successful corporations, and increase funding for social safety net programs such as food stamps, Medicaid, housing, welfare and unemployment insurance.

This proposal was greeted with boos and jeers from the Republican contingent, with audible comments emanating from their ranks which included, “That’s Socialism”, “Hippie”, and “Get a job — after you take a bath and get a haircut!”

Jesus responded to these outbursts by saying, “A little over 2000 years ago, I suggested to a rich young man that if he wanted to be perfect, he should go and sell what he had, and give to the poor, and he would have treasure in heaven; and he should come and follow me. Over the years, I have realized that nobody — especially nobody in this Chamber — is perfect. But for Christ’s sake — and in this case, that would be Me — we’re only talking about a lousy 4%.”

Just moments earlier, His comment that, “… it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God” was greeted with the now familiar yell of “You lie!” from South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson.

Not more than 10 minutes later, Jesus also expressed his support for the DREAM Act by pointing out that “the children it would help become citizens did, after all, grow up in the United States as your neighbors — and the Bible tells us to love our neighbor.”

According to eyewitnesses, it was when this was greeted with comments from the right such as, “Show us your papers!”, and “Are you legal?” that the normally quiet and reserved Prophet apparently ‘snapped’.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell later told reporters, “He stormed the floor and began throwing chairs and overturning tables while screaming something to the effect of, ‘you have turned the house of the people into a den of thieves!’ — It seems obvious to me that this whole charade was nothing but a cheap stunt cooked up by the Obama re-election campaign.”

Newton Toomey, a Capitol police official who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the ongoing investigation, later revealed that due to “identification issues” Jesus’s arraignment has been delayed until Friday morning. Toomey also added that Jesus was calm and in good health and spirits later in the evening, and reportedly even commented to His arresting officers, “Of course I forgive all of them — but I can’t say I’m not happy that I’ll never see any of them again.”

According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?”

The announcement was made following a reportedly heated closed-door session of the Republican Congressional Caucus which was necessitated by a division within its ranks over whether or not to adopt the concurrent resolution necessary to convene a joint session.

Action on Capitol Hill was fast and furious Friday afternoon after the surprise request to address Congress was submitted by representatives of Mr. Christ. Initially, House Speaker John Boehner’s office indicated that the Speaker sought to move the address to Monday evening — a request which was flatly rejected by the Son of God who expressed concern over the possible alienation of millions of His followers if the address were to preempt ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and ‘The Voice’.

Less than one hour later, it appeared as though the first appearance by a Holy person in the House chamber in recent memory was in jeopardy when Speaker Boehner was informed by members of the GOP’s Tea Party Caucus that they would not support the measure because they feared that an appearance by Jesus on the Capitol floor while Barack Obama is still in office would be perceived as a victory for the President.

The Speaker, for his part, remained steadfast in his determination that the address should take place, reminding his membership of the potential political risks involved in having Republicans perceived as “the party that said no to Jesus.”  And after what insiders describe as “an unprecedented display of leadership heretofore unseen during this term,” The Bronze Clod delivered the necessary votes.

According to Newton Toomey, a senior Boehner staff member who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Speaker only made minor concessions to his Tea Party membership in order to ensure a united front once the vote was held. Among those concessions was the Speaker agreeing not to comment during the fall campaign on any covertly or overtly racist comments that might be made by Tea Party members in the course of their reelection campaigns as well as Mr. Boehner’s personal assurance that he will suspend his regular tanning sessions until after the November election in order to help draw what Tea Party leaders describe as “a sharper contrast between us and the President.”

Toomey also added that “… it became less necessary for the Speaker to make more major concessions after one alert Congressman pointed out to his colleagues that for many of them, this would most likely be the only chance they will ever have to meet Jesus.”

The measures — all very similar in nature — would require female voters to undergo counseling and/or wait at least 24 hours after first visiting the polls before being allowed to cast their ballot.

Opponents describe such legislation as a blatant attempt to prevent women from voting. Supporters claim that no one’s rights would be infringed, and the measures, once enacted, will allow female voters to ‘make more informed decisions’.

Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, a proponent of a bill currently being debated by the House of Delegates which would require that all women seeking to exercise their right to vote first undergo a brain MRI and then have the results as well as informational material prepared by state legislators read and explained to them before casting their ballot, defended his position telling reporters, “Elections have consequences. They can profoundly affect people’s lives. It is not our intention to discourage anyone from exercising their constitutionally protected rights. Rather, before taking such an important step, we feel it is in the best interests of our Commonwealth that all women seeking to vote be provided with the tools they need to make an informed decision.”

When asked by one reporter why he feels there is a need for women, specifically, to receive state-mandated information before being casting a ballot, the Governor responded, “C’mon — you know how they can be.”

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus bristled when asked to respond to critics’ accusations that these and similar proposals expected to be introduced in at least 10 other GOP controlled state houses are nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to discourage women from voting brought about by recent polls — which suggest that current measures designed to restrict access to abortion as well as the ongoing national debate over contraception are eroding support for Republican candidates among female voters.

“The policies being pursued are totally unrelated to the fact that women are currently fleeing our Party faster than a group of cheerleaders at a science club mixer,” Priebus snapped. “Rather, they are a culmination of a strategy that has been brewing since the passage of the 19th Amendment all the way back in 1920.”

Congressional Democrats, citing what they call the ‘suspicious timing’ of the many state bills, took control of the House floor this morning to demand an inquiry into what minority leader Nancy Pelosi described as, “a most sudden and disturbing national trend.”

Bowing to mounting pressure, House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-CA) announced late this afternoon that he has scheduled hearings on the matter for next week where his committee will hear testimony from at least 12 male experts.

The existence of this footage has been the subject of widespread speculation on the Internet for many months, and the rumor mill kicked into high gear recently when Mr. Limbaugh let slip to his radio audience that his appetite for pornography — just as for trans fats — is so voracious that he encourages young ‘sluts and prostitutes’ who use prescription birth control to post videos of their sexual encounters online.

Disagreeing with Smith’s allegations that Goldman has developed a culture which puts profits ahead of clients’ interests, Blankfein told reporters, “I was of course shocked and saddened when I read Greg’s piece this morning. All I can say is — and his stellar performance might bear this out — I think the poor guy was probably just working too hard. We at Goldman could not agree more with his sentiments as to how we should operate, not only because it’s good business, but because it’s the right thing to do — for our clients as well as for our long-term bottom-line. Remember, we are the one Wall Street firm that takes pride in doing the Lord’s work.”

Mr. Blankfein also used this afternoon’s event at 666 Fifth Avenue to introduce his firm’s latest investment vehicle, claiming it was actually inspired by the outgoing director who this morning blamed the Chairman’s lack of leadership for what he described as a “decline in the firm’s moral fiber”.

“Greg wrote that he always took pride in advising his clients to do what he believed was right for them, even if it made less money for the firm. That is why he was so successful, and in his 12 years with us, became one of our top executive directors. And fortunately for us and our clients, Greg mentored many of our best people.

With that in mind, we have had our most successful analysts scour our ranks seeking out our best and brightest employees who share not only Greg Smith’s ability, but also his values. Our investors deserve only the best, most trustworthy advisors we can provide. And combining this principle with the long-held standard that diversity minimizes risk, we are pleased to announce the creation of a new AAA rated investment vehicle that allows our clients to capitalize on the combined ability of many advisors as opposed to one.

What we have done is taken all of our Greg Smith’s, broken them up into little pieces, and bundled those pieces into what we call ‘Winning Mixture Derivatives’. These WMDs will provide our investors with the security of knowing they own a piece of paper that will track the combined performance of hundreds of our best and brightest, as opposed to just one — eliminating the risk of an underperforming quarter or the uncertainty of having to move your portfolio because some disloyal, ungrateful bastard thinks he’s too good for the firm that made the top 1% of the top 1% who they are today.”

Mr. Blankfein added that Goldman’s new WMDs have been assured AAA ratings from all three of the major credit rating agencies, and that AIG has agreed to underwrite unlimited credit default swaps against investor and speculator WMD losses.

Word of the announcement spread like wildfire as several of the lunchtime throng seated in the main dining room of the Whitewater, Wisconsin Applebee’s realized that the seemingly disoriented individual who had just emerged from the restaurant’s banquet room to disturb their midday meal was no ordinary rambling lunatic, and apparently something important was afoot. While several took to Twitter and Facebook to document their presence at this unprecedented, historic event, another called a local newspaper to suggest they send a reporter.

“I honestly couldn’t believe my luck — this is probably the best scoop I’ll get all year,” said Skippy Fartbuster, editor-in-chief of the Whitewater Central High Weekly Bugle, who took the call.

In a Fartbuster exclusive, Priebus explained RNC strategy going forward:

“In recent weeks, it has become increasingly clear that our chances of reclaiming the White House this election cycle continue to diminish as our primary season — with its ‘scorched earth’ atmosphere — pollutes the political waters beyond reclamation. And as we’re firmly against imposing any regulations to curb this or any other kind of pollution for that matter, we’ve determined that — for the good of the Party — in this case our best move is to ‘throw out the babies with the bathwater’. We will not run a candidate against President Obama. The Executive Council feels — and I concur — that our resources are best employed preserving our majority in state houses and the House of Representatives, and gaining a majority in the Senate, allowing us to keep our momentum at the state level and maintain the current gridlock in Washington to ensure that nothing happens between now and 2016 when we won’t have to face an incumbent. By then, hopefully we can convince more distinguished and electable candidates, such as Paul Ryan, ‘Joe the Plumber’, ‘Jeb the Bush’, or ‘The Husky Hunk’ — Chris Christie — to run. The nation deserves a President who will curb what we see as the runaway trend of rights being exploited by groups such as public employees, women, and minority voters. If we can’t give them one now, then will do all in our power to give them one four years from now.”

Priebus also announced that in keeping with what the modern Republican Party has become, a new Party logo will be unveiled at this summer’s national convention in Orlando. Gone will be the familiar elephant, replaced by a three-legged wolf escaping a trap.

According to Newton Toomey, former RNC chief strategist and author of the upcoming book, ‘Politics of Self-Destruction: The 2012 Republican Presidential Debates’, the Committee’s Executive Council had few alternatives:

“When you look at it objectively, no matter how unpopular your incumbent opponent is, the chances of winning an election aren’t very good when you’re four final candidates are widely perceived as a grand inquisitor, the old uncle your parents never wanted you left alone with, one who eats their young, and another who dines on peasants. If ever there was a time to pick up your ball and go home, this is it.”

According to Pueblo State University political science professor Newton Toomey, the Romney team’s number one priority now must be to slow the momentum of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum.

“Sen. Santorum is coming up behind Gov. Romney so quickly and seemingly so suddenly that it almost appears as if they’re playing the roles of a priest and a choirboy,” Toomey observed. “And after narrowly defeating the Senator in Michigan — the state Romney was born and raised in, and which he would have lost if not for the huge lead he had built up in early voting — the campaign now realizes the importance of the so-called ‘native son’ vote. If not for the Governor’s ties to the state, there is no doubt Santorum would have carried Michigan and the Romney campaign would now be on life support.”

Romney 2012 campaign manager Matt Rhoades unveiled the new strategy via conference call from the back seat of one of Mrs. Romney’s Cadillacs:

“Our goal is to establish a personal connection between Gov. Romney and the voting public. And if we’ve learned one thing over the last year, it’s that having the governor go out and actually meet and talk with people just isn’t going to cut it. With that in mind, over the next couple of weeks, the governor plans to purchase homes in every state with an upcoming caucus or primary in which he does not already own a home. Our hope is that by becoming a neighbor, more voters will embrace Gov. Romney as ‘one of their own’ and that this new, more personal connection will carry through to the voting booth. And we’re confident that with Steve Schmidt on board we will be able to complete this transition as quickly and smoothly as possible. Steve will be responsible first for determining in which states the Romney’s already own homes which they may have forgotten about, and then for acquiring — as per the governor’s personal instructions — very modest homes in each of the remaining states. We’re firmly convinced that Steve’s background and experience with the 2008 McCain campaign makes him the perfect man for this job.”

When asked to define just what it is that candidate Romney means when he says ‘very modest home’, Mr. Rhoades elaborated, “Preferably something between 10,000 and 12,000 square feet with a four-car garage and not more than one tennis court.”

Facing possible defeat in his childhood home state of Michigan, Romney also used the occasion of this announcement to take a swipe at the fiscal history and credentials of his chief rival, Catholic conservative Rick Santorum. Santorum’s gain in momentum in recent weeks has, in the view of most experts, made him a serious threat to come from behind and barrel right through the current front-runner.

“While Senator Santorum’s views on gay rights and contraception are well documented, so too is his record when it comes to fiscal responsibility and pork-barrel spending in the form of earmarks,” Romney told an enthusiastic gathering of supporters at a family get-together. “Under my plan, there would be little or no cost to the American taxpayers. On the other hand, I’ll bet anyone here $10,000 that Mr. Santorum would propose incarcerating these offenders in brand-new maximum-security penitentiaries costing billions of dollars to build — let alone the cost of staffing and maintaining them as well as paying to feed, clothe, and otherwise care for the inmates. On top of that I’ll bet you another $10,000 that he would propose these penitentiaries be constructed in his home state of Pennsylvania. The country should expect nothing less from a Washington insider.”

When asked to which country or countries he planned to deport offenders under the plan, Gov. Romney responded, “That will have to be determined at a later date — but I can tell you that I would not favor deportation to Mexico since we still have a lot of family there.”

While the White House had no immediate response to this potentially game changing policy shift by the candidate still considered to be President Obama’s most likely opponent in the general election, senior staff member Newton Toomey, who spoke on condition of anonymity, commented, “Under Gov. Romney’s new plan, I would envision the country emptying out pretty quickly. It would seem inevitable that once all the women who use contraception were deported, it would only be a matter of time before the vast majority of remaining citizens would find they had limited options other than turning to homosexuality.”

In other news, shares in Scallion Enterprises, the holding company that owns journalistic stalwart ‘The Onion’ tumbled 42% in early morning trading after reporting an unexpected loss for the quarter ended December 31, 2011. According to Lehman Brothers industry analyst Grant Cartman, “The drop-off in expected revenue can be attributed to elevated expectations due to the Presidential election cycle which were dashed by a GOP Presidential field comprised of candidates so ridiculous as to render satire impossible, or at best, moot.”

Due to a diplomatic technicality, Assad, whose mother unexpectedly went into labor and gave birth to him during a function at the U.S. Embassy in Damascus, is eligible to hold the office of United States President since the embassy grounds are recognized as American soil and he is therefore a ‘natural born’ U.S. citizen.  Also, according to Hafez al-Fi-Slammaj Amma, a member of his personal staff who spoke on condition of anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the topic, “According to longtime members of the presidential security detail, President Assad coincidentally was also conceived at a U.S. Embassy function – so any obstructionist who might invoke the ‘where his life began’ argument would be barking up the wrong bush, as I believe the expression goes.”

And even before the first reports of a possible cessation of the artillery fire striking the city of Homs came in, Assad was already busy lobbing mortars at the four current GOP contenders.

Referring to his new rivals as “the Marx Brothers” and commenting that “not one of them has the remotest clue of what it takes to be a strong chief executive,” Assad told reporters that he is looking forward to his first contested campaign and expressed his belief that, “America is ready for an openly Muslim president.”

When asked for clarification of his ‘Marx Brothers’ reference, the Middle Eastern strongman who most observers believe will leap to GOP front-runner status as soon as the first polls including his name are released, explained, “Well, I think of Gingrich as Groucho just because the name seems to fit. Romney, of course, is Chico, as he is the son of a Mexican immigrant. Santorum I like to think of as Harpo because I believe he is a good and sincere man whose career would benefit greatly if he could only learn to maintain silence when the cameras are on. And Ron Paul, naturally, is Zeppo, because after following American news coverage of the campaign, it is only when I see Dr. Paul on stage with the others at the debates that I am reminded there is indeed a fourth candidate.”

According to most experts, although it is too late for Mr. Assad to get on the ballot in enough primaries and caucuses to secure the nomination before the convention this summer, there is a strong possibility that he could garner enough delegates to ensure that the convention is a contested one, and as one insider put it, “When Assad’s people and his opponents people get together in a back room somewhere, generally it is Assad’s people who leave standing.”

Assad is expected to have wide appeal among Republican primary voters because of, among other things, his commitment to a strong military and his fervent belief that life begins at conception and ends when one turns against their country.  In addition, many in the party’s base are hopeful that as President, he would handle the so-called ‘Occupy Movement’ in much the same way he dealt with protesters in Syria, particularly those who occupied the city of Homs.

Shortly after Mr. Assad’s plans were announced, a spokesman for David and Charles Koch — the conservative billionaires who have already pledged $100 million to the Republican Party to help defeat President Obama — told reporters that the brothers were, “most intrigued at the prospect of an Assad candidacy.” The spokesman then added, “We believe that as running mates, President Assad would create what I would describe as an intriguing, ‘frothy’ sort of mix with someone like a Rick Santorum, for example.”