Shortly after it was announced that the long-time al Qaeda ‘Number 2’ had been named the international terrorist organization’s new leader, accusations of tampering, voter fraud, and illegal campaign contributions put a damper on the planned celebration festivities…
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Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’. The move follows months of infighting among national security officials since the initial discovery of the planned attacks. While some experts see the plot as an attempt to further disrupt US and world financial markets, many see it as a gesture intended to be a first step toward a dialogue and perhaps reconciliation with the West. “If all it costs Al Qaeda to get 100 or more Americans protesting against Islam in any form to be shown on every major news network including Al Jazeera is the price of buying some ignorant redneck a six pack of beer, a dozen pieces of poster board, and three or four ‘Sharpies’, then from a recruiting standpoint they’re getting one hell of a bang for the buck– if you’ll pardon the expression.” n an emergency joint-session of both the House and Senate Intelligence Committees, CIA Director Leon Panetta informed Congress that the CIA has, over the vociferous objections of former Vice President Dick Cheney, suspended its covert program which for nearly half a century planned the assassination of Cuban leader Fidel Castro. In what both sides are claiming as a major step toward victory in the War on Terror, sources confirmed today that a deal is in the works in which the United States would send former Vice President Dick Cheney to al Qaeda in exchange for Osama bin Laden and ‘future considerations’ “Our actions will be swift, and they will be severe,” the President emphasized, “and your birds and larger flying insects are either with us or they are against us. But let me be perfectly clear about one thing – and you can mark my words on this — we will exterminate them over there so we won’t have to exterminate them over here.” With brothers as yourself causing young warriors to enlist in our blessed cause faster than even we can blow them up, I know we will one day prove victorious over all of the world’s infidel capitalist dogs. When we began this most holy crusade, pretty much all we had was balls. I am certain there is nothing can stop us now that we also have Dick…” – Osama bin Laden |
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