One witness with perhaps the best vantage point was House Speaker John Boehner, with whom Mr. Christ, upon taking the podium, reportedly quipped, “By any chance are your people from Nubia?”
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According to officials, neither the purpose nor subject of Jesus’s historic address will be known in advance. When asked if this most unprecedented appearance is in any way related to a possible pending apocalypse, a representative of the enigmatic church leader cryptically responded, “Does He look Mayan to you?” Unconfirmed reports indicate that Capitol police have called for a hostage negotiator to respond to an ongoing situation in the Capitol building in which House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor have barricaded themselves in a conference room, demanding that they be joined there by Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell along with President Obama… Calling it “an effort to find middle ground” with Democrats and the President, House Speaker John Boehner today broke with the majority of his party and stated his willingness to support one measure that would increase taxes: a tax on any individual or couple describing themselves as gay or lesbian. House Speaker John Boehner and Majority Leader Eric Cantor vehemently denied any prior knowledge of illegal activity or attempted cover-up by anyone on Capitol Hill, adding, “We are not crooks.” Claiming the mantle of ‘The Party of Personal Responsibility’ and in an effort to correct what they characterize as ‘senseless government intrusion into every day life’, House Republicans today voted to open debate on a measure that would repeal all current drunk driving statutes. Arguing that the impending Congressional battle over the national debt ceiling underscores the need for U.S. currency to be backed by tangible assets, House Speaker John Boehner introduced legislation today that would tie the value of the dollar not to gold or silver, as was done in the past, but rather directly to the people of the United States. The recent controversy sparked by a class-action lawsuit filed in a federal court in California against Taco Bell has wafted all the way to Washington DC, where according to one observer, “… it’s polluting the chamber of the Republican caucus.” The boycott, which is already under way, is slated to be closely scrutinized. A swarm of both the television and print media has descended upon the church’s headquarters in Topeka, Kansas, where they will follow the boycott’s impact on the church and its membership through interviews and ‘human interest featurettes’. |
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