Spectrum Brands, makers of the George Foreman Grill®, announced yesterday that they have reached an agreement in principle with former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential front-runner Mitt Romney to endorse their latest small kitchen appliance, The Mitt Romney Waffle-Pro®.
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Word of the announcement spread like wildfire as several of the lunchtime throng seated in the main dining room of the Whitewater, Wisconsin Applebee’s realized that the seemingly disoriented individual who had just emerged from the restaurant’s banquet room to disturb their midday meal was no ordinary rambling lunatic, and apparently something important was afoot. “Our goal is to establish a personal connection between Gov. Romney and the voting public. And if we’ve learned one thing over the last year, it’s that having the governor go out and actually meet and talk with people just isn’t going to cut it…” When asked to which country or countries he planned to deport offenders under the plan, Gov. Romney responded, “That will have to be determined at a later date — but I can tell you that I would not favor deportation to Mexico since we still have a lot of family there.” In a stunning move that rocked the political world from Nome to Homs, Bashar al-Assad announced earlier today that he will be stepping down as President of Syria and will immediately focus his full attention on his pursuit of the Republican Party’s nomination for President of the United States. Scrambling to avoid being outflanked by the Obama campaign — which on Friday released a list of 29 songs to be played at the incumbent President’s campaign events — all four GOP presidential campaigns today released partial playlists along with promises to make their full soundtracks public by the end of the week. According to papers filed late Monday with the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Federal Election Commission, Bain Capital, the Wall Street investment firm once headed by former Massachusetts governor and current GOP Presidential runner-up leader Mitt Romney, has reached an agreement to purchase all outstanding shares of the embattled pro-Romney Super-PAC Restore Our Future, Inc. The two former governors – whose vote totals combined still fell 8% short of Cain’s among the 2,657 cast – issued their first, and presumably last, joint statement saying, “The people have spoken and their message has been received – loud and clear.” They also congratulated Jon Huntsman on his victory. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad today continued his tradition of stunning the international community during his annual appearances before the United Nations General Assembly – and most observers agree that he’ll probably never top this one. Speaking at a press conference on the grounds of his La Jolla, California vacation compound, former 2012 GOP presidential front-runner Mitt Romney today ‘broke ground’ on his proposed jobs creation plan, which he claims, “will create a jobs Mecca in the United States that people around the world will look to and pray they had five times a day.” |
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