Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum’s bid to become the first anally conceived Presidential candidate on a major party ticket hit its 47th major roadblock yesterday in the wake of comments made challenging current Senator and former POW John McCain’s understanding of ‘enhanced interrogation techniques’.
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On Monday February 15 in Madrid, Judge Baltasar Garzon will convene an investigation of War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity allegedly committed by U.S. government officials and others during the Bush administration. The first witness called to testify will reportedly be American international human rights lawyer Dr. William F. Pepper. Aides to former President George W. Bush described the former Commander-in-Chief as “totally stoked” after his appearance at the Fort Worth “Get Motivated” seminar this past Monday. Mr. Bush, who daringly departed from standard motivational topics by urging those who stayed awake long enough to “stand by [their] beliefs” was reportedly “overwhelmed by initial reports of the audience response” to his message. “Iran is a safe, stable, thriving democracy today because their government is not afraid to do whatever it takes to protect their citizens and their way of life,” Cheney told an audience of fidgety pre-schoolers… Now that we know how well these methods work, I shudder to think about the extent of the threats to our national security caused by their use on Senator McCain and countless other otherwise loyal Americans who served as prisoners of war.” – Dick Cheney During the procedure, known as a ‘liprectumy’ and performed under local anesthesia, surgeons successfully removed the lips of RNC Chairman Michael Steele and Georgia Representative Phil Gingrey from the porcine pill-popper’s considerable ass. Microsoft Denies Diversification Rumors, Freed Guantanamo Detainee Arrives Home in Britain, Pope Snubs Colbert, ‘Slumdog’ Sequel Announced “The fact that such a request was even made doesn’t bode well for former President Bush and key members of his administration,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “To put it in laymen’s terms, it’s comparable to husband’s best friend telling his wife, ‘Of course he’s been honest and faithful to you. Now promise me that you won’t follow him tomorrow…’ What do they expect people to believe?” With brothers as yourself causing young warriors to enlist in our blessed cause faster than even we can blow them up, I know we will one day prove victorious over all of the world’s infidel capitalist dogs. When we began this most holy crusade, pretty much all we had was balls. I am certain there is nothing can stop us now that we also have Dick…” – Osama bin Laden |
    
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