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BREAKING: Robertson Claims “God Even Angrier with Chile than Haiti”

Citing what he described as the “the persecution of a great hero who ridded their land of Godless communists” as a possible cause, prominent TV evangelist and amateur seismologist Pat Robertson today argued that the 8.8 magnitude of the earthquake that struck Chile early this morning should serve as a warning to the population that “God is even angrier with them than he is with the people of Haiti.”

Spanish Inquiry of Alleged Bush-Era War Crimes Begins Monday

On Monday February 15 in Madrid, Judge Baltasar Garzon will convene an investigation of War Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity allegedly committed by U.S. government officials and others during the Bush administration.

The first witness called to testify will reportedly be American international human rights lawyer Dr. William F. Pepper.

Alberto Gonzales Named Attorney General of Sudan

President Omar Hassan al-Bashir of Sudan announced that Alberto Gonzales has accepted his offer to become Sudan’s next Attorney General as well as a Presidential Special Counsel.

Holder Confirmation ‘Doubtful’ After Indictment Threat

“The fact that such a request was even made doesn’t bode well for former President Bush and key members of his administration,” according to Harvard Law Professor Christopher Toomey, “To put it in laymen’s terms, it’s comparable to husband’s best friend telling his wife, ‘Of course he’s been honest and faithful to you. Now promise me that you won’t follow him tomorrow…’ What do they expect people to believe?”

OBAMA PARDONS BUSH, CHENEY

Saying he was unaware of the day’s unfolding events until after last night’s inaugural balls, President Obama today apologized to former President Bush and former Vice President Cheney for their brief detention by federal authorities and, after telling the White House press corps, “I think many people in this room may well have done the same things they are accused of,” announced that he has pardoned both for “any related transgressions”.